dark and moody

I know. It's been a good two weeks since I've blogged. I've also been listening to Tori Amos incessantly over the past three days or so. I guess I've been feeling a little dark and moody...

The truth is, after finding out Kirk's mom has cancer, I've been feeling confused and conflicted. I don't blame Kirk for reaching out to me for emotional support, but how could my feelings not resurface? And what is all that supposed to mean?

Anyway, I have talked with Abdul about my conflicted feelings. and I have talked with Kirk. Now I'm left feeling angry and sad all over again.

I told Kirk I realize now that it wasn't the lack of commitment that bothered me. It was the fact that I didn't feel seen or heard by him. It was like I was invisible to him sometimes.

He did say that with the girl he's currently been seeing, he's also feeling the same kind of doubt. Maybe it's supposed to make me feel better that it isn't me, but the whole thing still makes me mad. I told Kirk I want to hit him on the head with a wiffle bat.

I seem to have a hard time letting this go, but I also know it's not just about Kirk. I see how this kind of thing shows up in my work too. I have been finding what is most frustrating in chaplaincy is not the emotions and the grief. What is most frustrating is when I am perceived to not be what the person wants/needs. "Who are you?! We need the Catholic priest!!" Which is fine except when I can't get them the Catholic priest in the middle of the night and I try to explain that I can bless their stillborn baby, it seems to fall on deaf ears. In the end they did thank me, and perhaps my presence was appreciated. Yet I felt drained and a bit frustrated. I did what I could, or what they would allow me to do, and I couldn't meet their needs (nor could I even try) because of their perceived need for a Catholic priest. *sigh*

All the frustration seems so unnecessary...