sympathy

I've been feeling much better today, really! But I'm getting a lot more sympathy from people dropping by and those calling the office because I totally sound like a FROG!

Maybe now is a good time to use that audioBLOGGER feature so you guys can hear it for yourselves. =)

Heehee...here it is!

a bad case of morning voice?

Yeah, I know...it's the end of the workday, and you have probably been checking my blog all day wondering when I was going to write my daily entry. Yeah, I know how you wait in anticipation. =P

Well, this morning, chirping birds woke me up at about 7:15 a.m. Once I looked at the clock, I put in my earplugs and eventually fell back asleep. I was dreaming when in my dream I was thinking how it seems like I've been sleeping for too long. I woke up and looked at a clock that was blinking. The electricity had gone out! I looked at my cell phone. It was 9:50 a.m.! Oops!

Since I had my cell phone in my hand, I went ahead and called my boss. I got his voicemail. It was then, as I was attempting to leave a message, that I realized I didn't have much of a voice. My voice came out in cracks and whispers. It sounded like that voice you have in the morning only a gazillion times worse.

For most of the morning, I could only speak in a super-low, soft voice. My voice is still cracking a bit this afternoon, and I certainly won't be able to yell or anything. But no biggie. At least I feel better.

So, anyway, my late arrival to work this morning and my few hours of absence this week and my general lack of concentration due to being sick is the reason why I'm still at work right now.

Oh, and did I mention I've been hacking up dense gobs of goo all day? YUM! =D

i've been thinking...

I've been thinking today about how my life might possibly look very different by the end of the year.

I'll most likely end up being in school full-time so that in and of itself will be a big change. But it's the other decisions...

I can decide to stay where I am living now and keep my car (and continue making car payments until November 2007) and commute to school. OR I can sell my car and live on/near campus, most likely with roommates or in a very tiny studio in UWS/Morningside Heights/Harlem or the Bronx, depending on where I end up going to school. Hmmm...

Can you guess what my preference might be? Whatever decision I make will definitely have an impact on my life.

Of course, I still have to FINISH MY APPLICATIONS FIRST! =P

a monument to pro-life??

this scandalous art is a pro-life monument, i swear! 

Wow, this is for real? A sculpture of Britney Spears giving birth is a monument to Pro-life? How strange...

I gotta hand it to Gothamist for keeping me in the loop about these things.

Hmmm...no one seems to be happy with this monument, whether pro-life, pro-choice, pro-Britney, or anti-Britney.

Very strange, indeed. So strange that I almost want to see it in person. Anyone wanna join me?

lethargy

Saturday night was not a restful one for me. I felt a little bit of the chills and my sleep was disruptive. By the time I woke up on Sunday, I knew I had caught something. My throat was scratchy, and I felt a little dizzy in the morning and lethargic for most of the day.

Since Mondays are usually slow, I took advantage of it and left work early to rest. I have more to do today, but I'm thinking of leaving a little early today too. I am feeling better, but not 100%.

I'm behind in my personal tasks for the week. So much for finishing my applications yesterday.

It's my birthday on Saturday, and I'm throwing a Pajama Birthday Party. I almost don't want to have it anymore, but hopefully my enthusiasm will return when I'm fully recovered.

But...I am thinking of keeping my party dry (I mean, if the birthday girl gave up alcohol for Lent, it shouldn't be unreasonable, right?) or at least banning shots of hard liquor.

Maybe I'll write more of my thoughts on why I'm considering this later. For now, I could use a nice nap.

no short-cuts to love

When researching for Christian speed dating sites, I found this article. The writer, who is a Christian single woman, writes about her speed dating experience and its results. The conclusion of the article is very true:

My friend Kristee summed it up well in a postmortem e-mail: "Three minutes was a fun, easy way to meet people, but getting to know them is a different story. It takes a lot of energy and time. The instant gratification of speed dating makes it look easy. Nothing is as it seems."

Overall, my friends and I learned that while you can speed up dating, you can't hurry love.

I've come to the same basic conclusion. Speed dating was fun, and I would still certainly recommend it. But the time it takes to invest in getting to know someone after the experience is still the same. There are no short-cuts to building something with a possible future.

I've exchanged email messages with each of my five mutual matches. One fellow has been leaving me voicemail and email messages over the weekend. His "I'm desperate" vibe is definitely not working in his favor. But neither is the minimal effort of some of the others.

I suppose the things that are worth having in life takes time, patience, and work. And maybe that's what makes them all the more special.

bj

Oh, dear...

The night of speed dating, Will noticed a handwritten sign on the door saying the BJ workshop was downstairs. Hmmm...we wondered if it meant what we thought it meant.

I've been getting email regularly from Moxie about their different events. Speed dating (different age ranges), Lock and Key parties (where you are given a lock or a key and sent to find the person of the opposite sex who has the corresponding lock or key), lap dance, strip tease, pole dancing, and belly dancing classes, etc.

Well, today they featured another kind of class for women only. Can you guess what it was??

Oh, dear...

the results are in!

The list of my mutual matches arrived via email sometime late last night, and, fortunately, they sent it to my alternate email address. (Yay!)

There were five mutual matches. Not bad, huh?

I sat there trying to remember who these guys were. Since there isn't a picture attached, it's a little difficult to be sure. I went down the list and this is who I think responded:

#1: He was the cop. I think he might be Chinese? (I never asked.) He grew up in Flushing, I believe. When I told him about my plans to go into pastoral counseling, he told me he had gone to seminary for a semester and realized it wasn't for him. Now he helps people in other ways by being a cop. His email address, however, makes him sound like a lazy bum. What's up with that? Honestly, I'm not sure how much attraction there is for me, but I liked him enough to check him on my list.

#2: The name itself didn't ring a bell, but when I saw the email address I figured he must be the professional race car driver. And then I did seem to recall that being his name. He was also the one who told me I had the Cali vibe. He travels to Cali a lot; he says they have the most beautiful race tracks. He was very friendly and an easy conversationalist. I'm sure he would be fun company.

#3: I'm fairly sure this guy is the lawyer. I hope I'm not mistaken!

#4: Oh, dear. I really wrestled with whether or not I should check off his name. He was the last person I decided to check "yes", but even after I left the venue, I wondered if I had made the right choice. From physical appearance, he's your typical Asian computer geek. But that wasn't really the issue. He had some interesting things to say, but he also came across as being too talkative and a bit...conceited. I can picture myself becoming annoyed with him. We'll see if that's the case.

#5: This one confused me. I guess because I was expecting the poet guy to be on the list, and I don't think this was his name. And then I thought (in my crazy woman thoughts) that maybe the poet took my name off his list when he saw me with Will because I noticed that he asked to have his dating card back for a moment...okay, that's STUPID, I know. I had a momentary crazy-woman thought, but I'm back. It's no big deal if I wasn't mutually matched with the poet.

So...#5...wait...that name...I think...maybe? There were two people with this name, but I'm pretty sure the second guy had a last name that started with N and from the looks of the email address, this guy has a last name that starts with D. And I don't even think I checked off the guy with the last name N. So...is it? Is #5 the hot agnostic guy?? Oh, dear. That's a surprise if it turns out to be true. I'll have to confirm that. Not sure.

Of course, the first guy to email me is #4, the one I'm most iffy about. *sigh*

I'm planning on sending these guys an email with my picture to remind them of who I am. Heehee. I hope they do the same! I wanna see if I'm right about who I think they are!

mmmm...burgers.....

I LOVE a good juicy burger. I'm no fast-food junkie, and I like for my diet to consist of ethnic as well as inventive New World cuisine. But a well-made burger and a cold draft beer (stout or ale) will guarantee a smile on my face. It's something I crave on a regular basis.

Susan put up a list of the 20 Burgers to Eat Before You Die. (The full article with reviews of each joint can be found here.) Now I am determined to try as many of them as possible! Who's with me?? There are three locations in NYC so that's a good start!

Well, I can already check White Manna off the list...and, yes, some will be surprised to find this tiny place on the list. I'm still amazed at how far people will travel to eat at this joint. It's super greasy, but if you're feeling up to it, I'd recommend two double cheeseburgers with grilled onions, an order of fries, and a black and white shake. Heehee.

Back in Cali, fast food burger options were great. The double-double, animal style with fries and a Dr. Pepper from In-N-Out was a standard part of my diet (okay, not every day or every week, but often enough). I was also drawn to Tommy's chili cheeseburger for some reason. I mean, it was kinda gross, actually...I think it usually gave me indigestion, but I'd still eat them.

Setting aside the fast-food burger, I have to say, I think some of the best burgers I've had have been at diners (there's an upscale diner near Columbia University with a great burger but I can't remember the name of the place) and pubs in NYC. Diners and pubs aren't exactly part of California culture, but out here, they are a-plenty. Oh, there WAS the burger at Pie 'n Burger in Pasadena I finally tried with Petie before I moved. It was super-greasy but yummy! (Petie, I remember I left my wallet at home that day by mistake. I owe you a burger at Pie 'n Burger next time I'm in Cali!!) Or the sirloin cheeseburger during Happy Hour at McCormick and Schmick's in Pasadena was yummy and CHEAP. It tends to be dry, however, so I would suggest asking for it medium rare.

What other burger joints have I missed? What is your favorite burger?? Have you tried any of the burgers on the list? Who wants to hit up the NYC burger joints on the list with me?

uh-oh

I just realized I gave MoxieintheCity my main email address. If that email address is what they give to my mutual matches, these men could potentially find my blog. Uh-oh!

speed dating, a two thumbs up experience

Well, I finally did the speed dating thing! And, yes, I'd definitely call it a two thumbs-up experience.

I set aside my comfy jeans and gussied up in a skirt for the evening. Will and I made our way to Redemption and observed the crowd as we signed in. There would be a simultaneous speed dating event for people ages 42-52, so after they cleared out to another area, it was more obvious who would be my suitors and competitors for the evening.

I was pleasantly surprised. There was a good mix of people ethnically and the age range of 27-37 was perfect.

There was a total of 13 men and 11 women. Since Will and I came together, the choices would decrease by one for us, but it was no big deal. Twelve is plenty for me.

They explained how the seating was set-up and asked the ladies to find a seat. The ladies seemed to migrate towards the middle and back numbers for some reason. I chose spot #1 because...well...it seemed an appropriate number. Haha. The rest of the women were directed in the last open spots and then the men were distributed. (Will was asked to sit with me, but wisely chose to sit elsewhere.)

I remember date #1 because, quite frankly, I thought he was the hottest guy there. The bonus was that he was also interesting. Unfortunately, as soon as I said I was planning to go into pastoral counseling, I noticed a shift in his demeanor. He responded immediately by saying he was agnostic. Okay, I'm sure he won't be checking me on his list. I checked him anyway...because I'm shallow like that. Haha...no, I mean, he really was interesting. But I'm okay with it not being a mutual match because if my interest in faith and spirituality is a problem, well, that's a problem.

The next guy had to keep wiping sweat that was glistening on his forehead, but I think it was because he was late and ran to make it before it was too late. I was actually his first date for the evening. He was a lawyer, lives and works around Jersey City or somewhere around there. He was smart and a pleasant conversationalist. I checked him off on my list too.

After two dates I knew I had made the right decision to do this. Fortunately, my lack of sleep wasn't really an issue. I brought out my friendly and bubbly self. The guys, for the most part, seemed to respond well to me...the pastoral counseling/faith/religion thing being the only possible issue. (And I'm beginning to figure that the average man doesn't bring up faith/religion when initially meeting someone.) Everyone was nice and with the exception of one or two, seemed sociable.

Okay, I won't go into details about all twelve. Here's a brief summary: Most of the guys were in careers related to finance. One guy was a police officer. One was an IT guy. Another was a poet who also ran a creative writing program in the Bronx. One renaissance man had just published a horror novel and a book on fitness. One was a professional race car driver.

Most guys grew up in the NY/NJ area. One guy was from London. Two were from India.

A good number had gone to school in Boston.

Color-wise (is that crude?) there were two yellow, two brown, two with shades of black, and the rest were white.

The first question one guy asked, even before he sat down, was if I was from California. He said I gave off that vibe and that I seemed much more laid back than most of the women there. Haha.

At about date #10, things started to blur and for a minute I couldn't remember if I had told the guy about my interest in pursuing pastoral counseling. I was pretty thirsty too so next time I'll have to remember to have a drink or a bottle of water with me.

Will was #11, I think. It was nice to not have to repeat myself that time around and to see how things were going for him. He seemed to be having a nice night too.

During the evening, I went ahead and immediately checked off those I knew I wanted to at least contact one more time. I was being open-minded, so I must have checked off all but five by the end of the night. I had to think about the last few. A part of me considered checking them ALL off, but...I didn't. I must have checked off a total of nine...9/12, not bad.

I find out in two days who my mutual matches are. I don't expect the mutual matches to be my complete list of 9 (or was it 10?), and I'll honestly be happy with two or three. Two guys I favored (the poet and the lawyer) made eye contact with me at the end of the night, so I take that as a good sign. We'll see!

I think next time I'll go alone. I mean, it was nice to have Will around for support during my first speed dating experience (thanks again, Will!), but it must have seemed odd for the guys to see me talking with him and leaving the venue with him. I dunno.

I must say, last night, I was thinking about how things have changed a lot for me in a year in terms of dating and meeting guys. My first Match date back in March of last year was definitely less than comfortable. It was SO hard for me to put myself out there, and I had a lot of issues (and fears and hurts) regarding singleness, God, sexuality, etc. I needed to work through. I remember shedding tears in those first one or two months...but I guess I was shedding a lot more tears in general back then.

Anyway...speed dating, two thumbs up, for sure! =D

flatulence

Okay, before I post about speed dating last night, I thought I'd write a short entry about...flatulence.

Most of my close long-time friends know I am a fairly gassy girl. And it appears I am gassier than the average person. (Not a stinky girl, though!) I mean, I don't know if it's because I tend to eat a lot of gassy foods or if I'm somehow more deficient in the enzymes to break down these foods. Ugh. Why am I admitting this?

Anyway, I thought I'd try Beano since I still want to eat the healthy stuff. But I wanted to do some research on the product before making the purchase.

You find the strangest things when researching online. =)

sleepy speed

It was a jam-packed weekend. When will I finish my applications?

On Saturday morning, I was up by 7:30 a.m. to meet up with Nick for breakfast and drove him to JFK afterwards. It's earlier than my usual Saturday, but worth every minute of quality time with Nick.

My Saturday continued on back to back with a visit to the gym, a CAM meeting, and Jinny's concert out in Long Island. (Check out iTunes or independentbands.com to listen to clips from her new release! And Cali folks, make sure to see her when she's out there in concert!! I most highly recommend it!) From there it was straight into the city for Vicki's birthday. I didn't get home until after 3 a.m.! I probably slept at 4 a.m.

I was up by 10 a.m. on Sunday for prayer, dim sum, church, and two meetings. I expected to be home in the early afternoon, and I should have probably gone home, but instead, I went to grab a bite with some folks. Deanna's tongue started bleeding for no apparent reason and wouldn't stop so then we took a trip to the ER. (I hope she's okay now since her tongue started bleeding again last night after she got home.) By the time I got home it was too late for a nap so I stayed up until I was ready to sleep.

But tonight, instead of staying home to rest, I'll be in the city for some SPEED DATING! Hahahaha. Oh, dear. I hope I don't fall asleep on anyone or come across as a real dull and boring person. *yawn*

Hmmm...what shall I wear tonight? What questions should I ask to make the most of the 5 minutes I have with each bachelor? Would drinking a cup of strong coffee before the event make me too jittery? Or am I gonna be dating at sleepy speed? =)

myspace madness, part 2

Okay, I don't have enough patience to take Parka's suggestion, so I went ahead and emailed the Bengali dude. I basically told him he needs to learn how to respect women and that women should not be treated as objects to simply satisfy men's lust. And I made some remark asking if he contacts women online because he doesn't know how to be with women in his own town, let alone his own country. I wrote about a good two paragraphs worth. He wrote back:

i m so sorry to hurts you forgive me for this, i always honor all ladies i m just said that your too beautiful that make me made thats it. as i m far fromyou i can't harm you thats why i look ladies from other country, not in my country as i don't want to use then for me and for my lust. but in internet i n=can see their pic and chat wiht them and feel for them but i can't make any problem for them. sorry again i will never disturb you again take care bye

It doesn't matter WHERE the women are. The MENTALITY is what harms women. He won't be happy with a woman in person if he thinks this way. Argh. Am I wrong??

Anyway, two more messages from MySpace men...or boys, shall I say? Here's another winner:

27/M FROM ENGLEWOOD WITH BLACK HAIR HAZEL EYES GOTEE IM SPANISH AND ITALAIN WITH SIX TATOS HOW U DOING BEAUTIFUL

Why am I on MySpace??

st. patrick's day

Okay, I need to breathe and take a moment to NOT think about how AWFUL men (okay, maybe not all of them) are. *sigh*

I forgot to wear green today. I remember in kindergarten, a real snobby little girl in my class (in Mobile, AL...I was the only non-white child in the class), pinched me really hard for not wearing green. I mean, I wasn't wearing all green but I DID have little flowers on my dress with green leaves on them. *sniff*

Today, many Irish Catholics are being allowed to eat meat even though it's a Lenten Friday. Hmmm...can I allow myself a break today to drink Irish beer? Tempting! I'd LOVE a good Irish stout right about now. *drool*

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

myspace madness

Okay, so last evening, in the course of 15 minutes, I received about 15 friend requests. Roughly 1/3 were from musicians/bands. Another third were from folks who...I guess just want to say they have a lot of friends? I mean, I don't know them and I can't find any reason why they would request to be added as my friend. The other third were from male PIGS! Their list of friends was all just a bunch of beautiful but scantily clad women. What the hell?? Am I supposed to feel flattered that they want me on their lists? Ugh. And what's SAD is that these scantily clad women agree to be listed as their friends. WHY?

I went in and changed my account settings so that anyone requesting to be my friend would need to either know my last name or my email address. Stop the madness!

I've also received a couple of more messages from men who want me to correspond with them, including one dude from Bangladesh. Here's an excerpt:

hi how are you sexy. i m justlooking for some one hot like you for friendship.your so so beautiful attractive and so much sexy. i m 25 years old and i want to be a very good friend of your, as i m far from you so i can't do anything bad wiht you but i will be hot for you, and i am already hot to see your pic...

OMG! What the HELL?? Absolutely disgusting. Like I really want a dude in Bangladesh jacking off to my picture?? Oh, God...I feel ill.

I feel the need to write this guy (and some other those other pigs) and let him know that this is NOT OKAY. Someone has to tell them, no?? I can't STAND men objectifying women like this. It's just WRONG!

*sigh* Another thought that ran into my head was that I know people who are/have been missionaries in Bangladesh. I don't know if that's supposed to make me feel more sympathetic or anything, but, boy, these men need JESUS!

what's the difference?

What's the difference between being confident and knowing what you want versus being harmfully stubborn and unwilling to change?

myspace messages

So in the less than 24 hours of having an active MySpace account, I've received some interesting messages.

I've gotten two messages from musicians who want to spread the word about their bands. I've gotten three messages from men who want to correspond (ALL three have rather poor spelling/grammar issues...why does the internet seemed filled with men who can't write??). And I've received one message from a woman who thinks I'm a hottie and wants me to write her back. (I looked at her profile and apparently she is sexually into both men and women.)

I've also gotten a friend request from someone, but the picture doesn't show his face...it just shows him lifting his shirt to reveal his mega six-pack.

I expect that this is because I'm new to MySpace and that this sort of stuff will taper off soon enough. Let's hope so.

friendster & myspace

I rarely ever log in to Friendster, but I decided to do so today. I received a smile (a relatively new thing...I guess sort of like winks on Match) from a philosophy grad student at NYU.

Thus far I've met two guys through Friendster. Shall we make it three?

Hey, I'm always open to making friends. Plus, he's only 23! Is that weird? Well, I emailed him back. We'll see.

I hear, however, that MySpace is really the place to be. It's become much more successful than Friendster, and it seems to be better for meeting new people. I think I should open a MySpace account!

I don't want to jump back into the online dating thing, but the nice thing about Friendster and MySpace is that they don't cost a thing.

Anyone use those sites? Which do you prefer? Have you met anyone interesting through Friendster or MySpace? If you are on either site, make sure to add me as a friend!

hey, it's free

I don't often patronize Starbucks anymore, but today from 10 a.m. to 12 noon, Starbucks is giving away free cups of coffee. I am so tempted to walk away from my desk and hike down to the local Starbucks just to get me a brew...not because I need it or even want it, but just because it's free.

Less than an hour left and then the deal ends! What to do?

Edit:
Okay, so right after writing the above, I decided to head down to Starbucks. Inside, off to the right of the counter, they had a couple of demonstrators showing off their coffeemakers, grinders, and presses. They handed me a half cup of coffee (whatever happened to the tall coffees they're giving away? or is it because most people load up their Starbucks with half a cup of milk?) and talkd about their products featured for the Annual Brewing Sale. I also got a free mini-scone and a sample of some whole coffee beans to brew at home.

Was it worth going down to Starbucks? Eh, not a total loss...and the brisk walk was refreshing. =)

Oh, and I should mention, it got me thinking about getting a new coffee press. I've gone through at least two glass ones. I love coffee from the press but don't like the fact that the glass breaks so easily. But after visitng Starbucks this morning I'm thinking maybe stainless steel or even the travel press for coffee or tea on the go. Hmmm...

Was it worth it for Starbucks to give away free coffee and samples? I'm beginning to think so!

secret blog reader

Is there a blog that you read secretly (maybe like this one...ahem)? Do you read blogs of complete strangers? Have you ever clicked on the "Next Blog" button at the top of my blog and stumbled upon a blog of interest?

Most of the blogs I browse through are for momentary one-time visits when I'm bored out of my mind. One blog that has caught my attention, however is Feminary...enough so that I've bookmarked the site and visit periodically. The blog description is what caught my attention initially: What happens when a socially liberal theologically orthodox inclusive tolerant feminist Episcopalian goes to one of the world's top evangelical seminaries? Let's find out.

It didn't take me long to figure out what evangelical seminary she was talking about. You know...located in Pasadena and spelled F-U-L-L-E-R.

I like what she has to say (whether I totally agree or somewhat disagree) and I have enjoyed reading her thoughts and ideas on life, religion, and faith. Good stuff!

What blogs are you reading secretly?

the five principles

Last Friday for our Project Axis meeting, Simon has us all share the five principles that govern the way we live our lives. It's not an easy thing to do since we often live our lives unaware of what the underlying principles may be. Oftentimes it takes some sort of crisis that clashes with and challenges our belief and understanding of the world to help us see what the underlying principles are.

Here were my five:
1. That God exists. It's a very basic principle, but very crucial since the awareness of God's existence shapes just about everything I do. The way it is lived out, however, has changed over the years depending on what my understanding of God might be. If I consider God to be punitive, I will live in fear of his judgment. If I consider God to be distant and uncaring, I will act out in rebellion and scorn. As my understanding of God becomes fuller (and hopefully more accurate!)...as a holy and righteous, loving and merciful, God that pursues us passionately...the way I live my life becomes that much richer.
2. To always do good and always be nice. This is how I have lived most of my life, but this is one that I have challenged and decidedly changed (or rather, am in the process of continuing to change). A more accurate principle now might be: To do good and to respect others, but also to respect yourself. There is a HUGE difference between these two. The first is not a healthy way to live life and can become insincere; it also leads to hurt and resentment. The second statement is really what I desire my underlying principle to be.
3. That God works for the good of those who love him. I do believe this, but my understanding of this statement has changed. Whether I was aware of it or not, my understanding of the statement used to be that God does good for those who love him. In believing this, I would wonder why bad things happened and if I wasn't loving him enough. How awful! I have now come to understand that working "for the good" does not exclude bad things from happening (because awful things will happen), nor does it mean that I am not loving God enough. This statement must take the greater picture into consideration. The reasons for why things happen may not be known in the present or in the near future or even in this lifetime. This principle is also the reason why I am always trying to figure out the meaning for everything (which I still do, maybe way too much).
4. Life is hard and often unfair and life on earth will end. The truth is, life can really suck. Things happen that shouldn't happen to good people. There is not always a logical explanation for why things are the way they are. But life is finite; it will end. The pain and suffering in the world will not last. And that is the hope. We are here for a moment, but eternity is not bound by the confines and harsh realities of this life. And, strangely, I believe this is what gives us hope to live and to live life as a gift.

I actually only had four principles to share on Friday, but I think if I had to add one more, it would be:
5. Live life with no regrets. I don't, for the most part, believe in regrets. I believe we learn from our mistakes and move on. It was only more recently that I began to feel a sense of regret about things, but I think that was out of my struggle with shattered idealism. Unfortunately, my shattered idealism has made me more afraid in ways, but I'm working on this. I believe living a life with regrets is a tragic way to live. I want to relish each moment of life! I also believe if you live your life focused on the important things instead of petty things, it will be easier to live a life of no regrets.

I'm sure there are other underlying principles, but these were the ones I came up with. What are yours?

waiting

As I have been talking to people about how I feel like my PMS symptoms (particularly the emotional instability) have worsened over the years, I have been told by one person that things should stabilize after having kids and, by another person in another conversation, that I need to start having sex. (And no, I did not mention this article to them before they said anything...and my apologies to those who find the article distasteful in any way...and really, I stumbled on it while researching St. John's Wort. Anyway...)

The problem with the above solutions is that I'm a single gal striving to live out her faith earnestly...meaning, I'm not having sex, nor do I plan to until I'm married.

And I won't lie. It's HARD to keep waiting. (Hm, okay, right now I'm wondering who's reading this...I'm assuming my brother will stop reading now if he hasn't already.)

Let's for a moment take out the desire for companionship and affection, etc. Let's talk strictly about the desire for sex. The physical desire alone is enough to drive me bonkers...screaming in my pillow, sighing for hours, shedding frustrated tears, wanting to pull my hair out, working out harder at the gym, dancing like a madwoman, making out with strangers (okay, let's stop this list right there)...sometimes feeling on the verge of making a mistake. I feel like a broken record, struggling with this. I can't help wonder sometimes why it feels like my libido is just too high. It seems easier for some folks. Why? Are there herbal supplements to lower libido? I mean, I really hope this St. John's Wort doesn't have the same affect some other herbal supplements had or else I'm in real trouble.

It's hard, and the passing years have not made it any easier so far. I'm turning 32 in like three weeks. Honestly, I have asked myself if there's a cut-off year...like if I've waited until...oh...32, that I'll allow myself a break and just...you know, have sex. Hey, I'm just being honest about what I think sometimes. But...I also know I'll feel worse about things if I did just give in, which is why I don't. *sigh*

Right now at Metro, we're in the middle of a sermon series on Sex and Sexuality. I'm glad we're talking about this at Metro...not sure if the series will make the struggle any less difficult for me personally...well, maybe. I mean, I guess if anything, I still really want to have sex, but it's more about wanting it with the right person at the right time.

So then we bring the companionship and affection aspect back into the picture. I think that's what makes sex in a marital relationship worth waiting for...but when you're still single without any apparent prospect, it can also make the wait that much more difficult in a way...because you're waiting for something more than just sex.

I've gone through painful phases where I've wondered what's wrong with me. And for a long time, I really did think it WAS me. I mean, I think it's important to be able to evaluate and look at yourself honestly. It's important to figure out if you have issues that are keeping you from being in a healthy and flourishing relationship. I've done that, and I HAVE learned a lot over the past couple of years. But there's a difference between honest reflection and self-deprecation, and it's easy to confuse one for the other.

Maybe it's somewhat of a control issue...you think, you work hard enough at improving yourself and things SHOULD work out. But the truth is, you can't control the other person and sometimes you just can't control the situation. I wouldn't want to manipulate someone into loving me anyway. How awful is that! (Hello! It's THEIR loss!) I know I have a lot to offer a person, and I should never EVER have to bend over backwards to make someone love me. I deserve to be pursued and cherished by someone who is able and willing to be emotionally available to me. I can't give my heart to anyone who will only give me less than that. It just doesn't work that way.

Another phase I've fallen into at times is to think, "Well, there is no guarantee of ever being with anyone and it's just too hard to find anyone so why expect it?" It's like resolving yourself to being alone and being okay with it. It's an easy trap to fall into because it seems safe, and it IS easier. As long as you're not expecting anything, you won't get hurt and you falsely think that no further damage is done. What I've found, however, is that this kind of hopelessness keeps you from being open to real possibilities. You don't take the chance, and you could very well be missing out...you just don't know it. And that's what's damaging. What a sad way to live. In fact, it's not really living; it's existing. A more full and complete life can totally be within reach, but it's not reached because there is no desire to reach out. I can't live that way.

The way I see it right now is...I know there still aren't guarantees, but I know what I want, I know what I have to offer, and I know it's very possible to have it. As difficult and frustrating as it is to wait, I know that waiting is possible too.

st. john's wort

Okay, so I woke up this morning, and I could tell I was feeling slightly better mood-wise. Well, then I realized I had started my period! Ugh. I'm so sick of this!

They say to consume more calcium in your diet, which I have been trying to do. It's supposed to help with both mood and cramps. Exercise also does do some good for cramps and even mood, but I find myself less willing sometimes simply because of my mood. They say to cut back on caffeine, and I have noticed it helps with cramps, not so sure if it affects my mood (maybe?). I haven't been so great about cutting out caffeine this cycle. In any case, for the sake of my emotional state alone, I think it's time I look into something else.

St. John's Wort...it's available over-the-counter in the US, but is actually used as a perscription drug in Europe to help treat mild to moderate depression. (Some say it's just as effective as Prozac!) Women have been using it to help with PMS (particularly moodiness, but also for breast tenderness and cramps), and it's also known to have antibacterial and antiviral properties. Folks are even researching its use for HIV! Sounds like a true miracle plant.

I guess it's worth a shot...anything to save me from PMS blues!

narrowing the search

Okay, so I really only had a vague idea of knowing that I don't like fragrances that are too flowery or candy-sweet, so I decided to search for online tests to help me determine what I might like. (Because they have online tests for everything, right?)

Well, I found two. Test #1 indicated that I would prefer fragrances that are: fresh, spicy florals, woodsy-mossy chypres.

I had to look up "chypres" since I wasn't familiar with the term. I DO like the scent of sandalwood, and this shows up as a chypres kind of thing. I read descriptions of women who prefer chypres as being emotionally stable, extroverted, and independent. Another description I found:

Chypre (pronounced sheep-ruh) is the smallest and most unique category in women’s fragrance. This is the category for the risk takers because women who love Chypres really love them, but women who hate Chypres really, really hate them.

Hmmmm...interesting. Fragrances that are listed as being in this category include: Mitsouko by Guerlain, Aromatic Elixir by Clinique, and Rush by Gucci. But what was weird when I read up on some of these fragrances is that a few women complained that it smelled like an old woman!! Huh?

Results from test #2 came out tied:

Chypre/Green: Generous, nurturing and warm, you're a well-balanced woman who enjoys helping others. You take a no-nonsense approach to life that extends to your clothing and cosmetic choices. Chypre/Green scents are extremely refreshing, with energetic, vibrant undertones like newly-cut grass and leaves, combined with warm-smelling, woody or mossy notes.

Woody/Floral: You're on the moody side, fluctuating in both your tastes and emotions. You love life in the fast lane and seek out new cultural experiences, but there are times when you prefer your own company. You don't suffer fools gladly and tend to be very independent.

Hmmm...at least it appears I'm consistent. Okay, so now at least I know I'm looking for something fresh, woodsy-mossy, chypre, and spicy floral. Wish me luck!

the sucky parts

In my reading of the Old Testament these days, I've been struck by how much "suckiness" folks had to endure, but that out of the "suckiness" greater things were possible.

Take Joseph, for instance. It's pretty sucky to have your own brothers sell you into slavery. It's really sucky, as a matter of fact. It's also really sucky to be accused by your master's wife of rape and be thrown into jail as an innocent man. It sucks to be forgotten for a time by someone you've helped. Yet through it all, Joseph remained faithful to where he was. I don't doubt that Joseph must've been upset and hurt by events in his life, but he chose not to live a bitter life...and he prospered in whatever situation he was placed. In the end, Joseph became second only to Pharaoh. A severe famine brought his family to his feet. He was reunited with them after many, many years. Who could have predicted that one?? Joseph's brothers fear that Joseph will retaliate for what they had done to him, but Joseph clearly acknowledges that God used all of that for good. They were all saved from the devastating famine, and to think, it started by the sucky situation of Joseph being sold into slavery.

Fast forward years later, and then there's Moses and the Israelites. In contrast to Joseph's story, God clearly speaks to Moses. God states exactly what will happen in order for the Israelites to be set free from captivity in Egypt and to be led to the Promised Land. Moses and the Israelites complain the ENTIRE time! Moses promised they would be released from captivity, yet initially the Egyptians are being harder on them. It doesn't make sense, does it? Yet because of all the events that happened, in the end, the Egyptians gave the Israelites many valuables, just to get rid of them. They went from being slaves and having nothing to being given riches and wealth, but it wouldn't have happened if they hadn't gone through the sucky parts. Oh, but the suckiness continues on...the path to the Promised Land is not a straight shot.

Why am I writing this? Because it's sucky to go through the sucky parts. It sucks to wonder where everything is leading. Why have X, Y, and Z happened? I find myself more like Moses and the Israelites...complaining. What I need to do is be more like Joseph...and faithfully live life where I am, no matter how sucky life gets.

Right now, I just feel like complaining.

a disconnect

Have you ever felt like you were watching yourself from the outside? Like you're detached from your body...like the inner part of you is watching the rest of you continue on with life. That's how I'm feeling today.

signature fragrance

Do you have a signature fragrance? Does a particular perfume embody your essence? Will a certain scent remind people of you?

I've never had a signature fragrance. I've at times looked for one, but have never chosen one as my own. My scent is more or less me...maybe with the frangrance of shampoo and a scented body wash or lotion, but nothing more. They say that scents are strongly tied to memories, and, well, I do hope to one day find one that is quintessentially me. (But then, what is more quintessentially you than your own natural scent, huh? =P)

Well, listening to NPR this afternoon, I discovered a perfume line inspired by the neighborhoods of NYC. Bond No. 9 was created by French parfumers with NYC and its neighborhoods in mind. Scroll down the list to see all the various fragrances. Apparently the most popular is Chinatown, a unisex fragrance.

There is also more information at Bond No. 9's official site. They're named Bond No. 9 because they're located at 9 Bond Street in NYC. Clever. Oh, and they sell their stuff at Saks so maybe that gift card I received will come in handy after all. Hmmm...I'm gonna have to sample these and see if there's one I like. I could order a sample pack or visit Saks (darn, I think I just missed a special bond No. 9 promotion at the Fifth Avenue location). Hmmm. I mean, I know this won't end world hunger or anything, but I'm intrigued.

Oh, and for those who like scented candles, Bond No. 9 makes candles too!

What's your signature fragrance? Is there a perfume you like? Anyone want to help me find my signature fragrance??

saturday

This Saturday I was supposed to help start training Metro's South Africa team, but last night I heard from my aunt who informed me that my grandfather's memorial and interment services will be held on Saturday at 11 a.m. in Philadelphia.

So...I'll be back down in Philly to see relatives and to represent my side of the family. I used to see extended family for the holidays and all the many weddings of my many cousins. (I have a lot of cousins and most of them on my mom's side are older than me.) They were all nice and happy occassions. Now it feels like I only see them for funerals. *sigh*

Sometimes I wish I wasn't the only immediate family member around. It kinda sucks going to these by myself.

livin' it up in pictures

Here are some pics from last night's Livin' It Up. All photos were taken by Will Kang.


vicki ponders the tasks that lie ahead for the children's program this evening 


mia, deanna, and jennifer light the candles on the tables. 


the kitchen quickly dishes out the food 


simon leads us into a game of the price is right 


i chat with folks at my table after all the food was served 


total soul performs as everyone gets up to dance 


simon and his crazy antics on the dance floor. the asian young life kids who volunteered that night watch on in amusement. 


and here i am with my dance partner for the evening.  

labyrinth

The labyrinth has been around for thousands of years and is often used as a meditative tool. Christians who use this tool journey through the labyrinth towards the center, which symbolizes God. This church lays out a labyrinth, modeled after the Labyrinth in Chartres Cathedral, in their chapel for a couple of days every month. They have plans to construct an outdoor labyrinth this spring.

Thanks to Neah, I was able to experience a really cool online interactive labyrinth. (Thanks, Neah!!) Unfortunately the link on her xanga doesn't seem to be working right now, but I found a link that does work. When you have at least half an hour (of quiet) to go through this online labyrinth, check it out!! It's SO cool! This online labyrinth is based on a labyrinth that toured throughout the UK. Why can't they have cool touring labyrinths in the U.S.??

It's a meditative tool I would recommend using from time to time. Enjoy!

livin' it up!

Last night was our second annual (sorta) Livin' It Up, a banquet we throw for the local homeless. It had been postponed due to the massive snowstorm a few weeks ago.

The decoration crew had already been hard at work for a couple of hours when the rest of us arrived after church. A lot of work had been put into transforming the room into a festive party atmosphere. Stage equipment was to be set-up for the game show, comedian, musical acts, and the live band, Total Soul.

The transportation team set out for various homeless shelters in the area. I was sent to pick up the comedian from the PATH station. (Peter said I would have a great time picking up the comedian whom he noted was good-looking and single. I'll let you guess which one he is in the link. Hint: Peter used to work for MSNBC.)

The cooks had been preparing for hours already. The kitchen was a flurry of activity. In my opinion, the folks in the kitchen have the toughest job and furthermore miss out on the fun. At least, that's how I felt last year...which is probably why I chose not to be part of the cooking team this year. Terrible, huh?

The kids team was in place, anticipating the arrival of over twenty kids. Fortunately, there weren't as many as they anticipated so that it wouldn't be too overwhelming.

The servers were assigned a table. Everything was ready to go!

The guests of honor slowly trickled in. Drinks were served. Then the bread and salad. I introduced myself to those seated at my table. The meals arrived, hot and delicious. Since there was enough food, we were able to join them in the meal. Dessert, coffee and tea followed as we laughed with the comedian, clapped along with the musicians, and some participated in the Metro version of the Price Is Right.

And then Total Soul got everyone up and dancing. As soon as the music started, I asked my table to dance. One gentleman grabbed my hand. He would dance with me the entire night. I could tell he was really having a great time, and for that, I was glad. It was nice to be able to help bring joy into someone's life. He kept asking me why I was doing this. He couldn't quite grasp that folks would do this just to show them some love.

A lot of people put in hours of hard work. Everyone was exhausted. Most of the women unfortunately had to endure some level of harrassment (can this be avoided?). And, in truth, some of the homeless (only a small handful) may not have been as appreciative as others, BUT...we are called to love them regardless. Did we do that? I believe so. Were people touched? Most definitely! Did people have a blast? Yes!! Was God pleased? I'd say...without a doubt!

I know I haven't been in the best of moods these days. (I think I need to hibernate or something. Maybe it's PMS??) It was nice to be able to put that aside for one night and enjoy Livin' It Up. =)

friday

I despise working late on Fridays. Especially when I'm supposed to be at worship practice by 6 p.m. in West Paterson (I'll be late for sure) and then have to leave practice early to get to the Project Axis meeting tonight.

I'm so tired. I feel a tension headache coming on.

memorial services

My mom had left a message on my cell phone last night. I called back and talked to my dad since my mom had gone for a walk.

It turns out my maternal grandfather passed away three weeks ago. Three weeks! I can't believe I just found out about it last night! I mean, I knew he wasn't doing well. My parents left from their visit to the States in January earlier than expected to spend some time in Korea with my grandfather who had grown quite weak. Fortunately for my mother, she was able to be with her dad when he passed. In this sense I'm happy my parents are missionaries in Russia since there are several non-stop flights from Vladivostok to Korea every day. It's given my parents more opportunity to spend time with family members they had not seen regularly during their days living in the States.

My grandpa was cremated, and his cremains will arrive in Philadelphia on Monday. My grandmother is also flying to Philly, and my grandpa's cremains will be laid to rest in the cemetery where my uncle is buried. My maternal grandparents spent their entire life in Korea, but they want to be buried with their oldest son.

Since my grandparents lived in Korea, I never really saw them. The last time I saw them was when I visited Korea with my sister back in 1988. I guess for that reason I don't feel a huge sense of loss or grief. Plus, I know he lived a long and happy life. (He was in his 90's.) I'm more in shock that it took three weeks for me to find out.

Regardless, if I can make it to his memorial services next week in Philly, I will.

And if anyone in Cali needs info about the memorial service for Jenny's mom, let me know. I wish I could be there.

yesterday

Yesterday was both my friend Laura's birthday and my housemate Ed's birthday. Ed decided to have his birthday at Blend, where he also happens to work. I stuck with my decision to abstain from alcohol during Lent, but, boy, it was a true test. I wasn't in a good mood for starts...and then my mood got worse...and honestly, a glass of wine would have probably relaxed me enough not to care, but, alas, no wine for me. *sigh* It was a true testing, indeed, but regardless, I do apologize for my sour mood.

Since Laura lives in Colorado, I would have to wish her a Happy Birthday over the phone. I hope it was a great one! I'll be praying for the remainder of your pregnancy and the gestational diabetes will be under control.

And today I found out that my friend Jenny (in Cali) lost her mother to cancer yesterday. Absolutely heart-breaking. I pray for Jenny as she grieves her loss and as she goes through the process of bringing some kind of closure...closure in the sense that it's been difficult for her to watch her mother slowly waste away in pain. There's no more pain for her mother now. Now it's dealing with the pain of losing someone so dear.

Each day passes...sometimes with joy, frustration, and sometimes sorrow. Whatever this day brings you, may you know God's peace and unsurpassing love.

a marked woman

I'm a marked woman! I have just received the imposition...of ashes, that is.

Yes, today is Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday was never a day I grew up really recognizing, but this year I wanted to participate in "being ashed". Since I work for a Presbyterian church that observes this, it was easy for me to do so.

The ashes, an "ancient sign speaks of the frailty and uncertainty of human life, and marks the penitence of this community." After a brief time of prayer and reflection, I went forward for the imposition. I chose to have the ashes placed on my hand instead of my forehead (because I would prefer to have it where I can see it).

Ash Wednesday begins the season of Lent, 40 non-Sunday days before Easter.

Traditionally, Catholics will fast (some eating only one meal a day) and abstain from eating meat, particularly on Fridays. Many Christians who participate in Lent will decide to give up something they enjoy, like caffeine or sweets. I've been considering giving something up this year; it's something I've never done before.

So...for Lent I will be abstaining from...alcohol! At first I was thinking of abstaining from wine in particular, but then I might sometimes substitute another form of alcohol. Do you think it's too much? I mean, it's a significant thing to give up, but I guess that's the point. Since Sundays do not count in the 40 days, Sundays will be my free days.

Yes, so no alcohol tonight at Ed's birthday party. And none on MY birthday! Eek!

The money not spent on alcohol will be tallied and given to charitable causes. I haven't decided how much fasting I will incorporate, if any, but I do feel the need to spend more time in prayer and reflection.

What about you? Are you observing this season of Lent? If so, how?