finger lakes or...miami??

I had left a message with Mia to ask her about the Finger Lakes since she had been there before. I wanted her recommendations as far as accomodations, etc. and to see if she was available to come with me. She finally got back to me a short while ago. Apparently she's been really busy because she's getting ready to leave for a week-long vacation.

"Oh, I wish I could go with you, but I'm going to San Francisco and Miami."

She then told me about how the Finger Lakes is better in the latter half of October but that hotels are also completely booked and expensive...

"You should come to Miami. I'll be there for Columbus Day weekend."

Hmmmm...I just checked prices online. The price is much cheaper if I can fly out Saturday and fly back on Tuesday. If only I had talked to Mia earlier then I could have asked for Tuesday off at work and known by this weekend which option would work best.

Oh, well. I'll have to wait until Monday. Until then I'll continue to weigh the pros and cons of each option and figure out which one will work best for the extended weekend.

Dan-E, I may get to see you in Miami after all! =P

pitching tents

I'm stealing this from Neah's site only because this was too funny! Watch the video version if you can. If not, the audio will have to do. Heehee.

workout schedules

Thursdays have become my favorite and most consistent day for going to the gym. My week would feel incomplete without my one hour Kwando class. For a while I was also sticking around for the one hour Powerflex (weights and resistance training), but I'm just not crazy about the Powerflex instructor.

Yesterday a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to stay for the Reaction Cycling (i.e. Spinning) class. After an hour of already doing the cardio thing, an additional hour seemed like a bit much. But this is a class I have long wanted to try. The blacklight, disco lights, and dance music...and intensity...lures me. (I still associate Spinning with Antony, the first avid Spinner I met.)

The added advantage of taking this Reaction Cycling class is the instructor, the same instructor for Kwando. He's a great instructor...and he's also pretty dang cute.

So after spending an hour following his instructions, "Spinning roundhouse, tempo! Kick, reverse! Kick, reverse!", there I was under the blacklight on a stationary bike listening to him yell out, "Hands in three! Chest up, turn that resistance up a half turn! Hips back! Go!"

Yeah, so my friend and I decided to leave after 40 minutes. We were completely drenched in sweat.

The $18/month I spend on my gym membership is SO totally worth it. I realize I prefer the group workout environment so the classes are perfect, and if I can figure out a full-week workout schedule, it would be even better. The same instructor teaches Reaction Cyling on Saturday mornings, and it's completely packed. There are other Powerflex classes on Tuesdays and Saturdays, hopefully with different instructors. Maybe I can figure out how to get all of the classes in, and maybe one day I'll even add Yoga.

updated

I decided to add a few links (including Pastor Peter's xanga!) and reorganize the links. It looks like my Archive section is getting way too long though. Hmmm....

benefits of dating

Now that I'm fully recovered from the exhausting weekend, I can look back and realize the positive aspects of meeting people and putting myself out there in the dating world.

Being friendly and engaging has not been a problem for me so far. In fact, I realize how likeable I can be. (As long as I'm relaxed and don't have my defenses up...which has long been my tendency with men...)

I'm still learning how to express myself...how to make my intentions clear and give these guys an accurate idea of what they can and cannot expect from me. The truth is, the world is not filled with people who will automatically give you the respect you deserve. There are selfish people out there who will take advantage of you if they can. You see, in my idealistic world, these people did not exist or at least not when it comes to me, but I am learning to operate in the real world now with a different set of rules (and not to be afraid of it!).

And if I am clear about who I am and what they can and cannot expect, and if they don't like it...that's okay! I don't need people like that in my life anyway.

Besides that, I have actually been enjoying talks about faith, religion, and spirituality. So far, most of these guys are deflated Catholics. One was culturally Muslim. All of them, while they might have a particular faith background, are not really religious at all.

Since most of the people I know are from Metro and since I also work in a church, I have little opportunity to interact with people who aren't "believers" (it's a term I don't use much, actually...only when talking to seasoned Christians who use the word themselves...but I won't get into why just now). While I'm clearly not going to ever pursue a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same faith and values because it's too important to me (and not because they are not potentially great people), it's nice to have opportunities to verbalize my faith with others.

Four men in one weekend may have been too much, but I'm still putting myself out there if not for any other reason then to learn.

scripture meditations

As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Whoever heard of a child who was never disciplined? If God doesn't discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children after all. Since we respect our earthly fathers who disciplined us, should we not all the more cheerfully submit to the discipline of our heavenly Father and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God's discipline is always right and good for us because it means we will share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening--it is painful! But afterward there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong. Hebrews 12: 7-13 (NLT)

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. James 1:2-4 (NLT)

This week I finished the book of Hebrews and began the book of James. These verses are familiar ones I've heard multiple times, but they are great verses for me to meditate on these days. =)

These days I am more appreciative and, yes, even joyful for this season of life, as hard and painful as it has been at times. I like how verse 12 in Hebrews 12 encourages the reader to "take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs." Even in the tiredness and shakiness, it is possible to take hold and stand firm.

For a while I operated under the thinking that I was being punished or wrongfully abused by God, but I am actively working to regain my grounding in the foundational truth of my identity as God's beloved child. With that knowledge and the lessons learned over the past few months and years, I now want to "mark out that straight path" and get ready for what lies ahead. The "what lies ahead" doesn't seem so scary anymore; it actually seems pretty cool. =)

finger lakes

Hmmm...so I just realized that I have Columbus Day off. I was originally going to have my housewarming party on October 8, but I think I will postpone.

Since it's too soon to plan a true adventure trip for that weekend, I'm thinking of taking a trip to the Finger Lakes...or maybe Montreal if I really want to leave the US.

I'm leaning toward the Finger Lakes, however. The fall foliage should be beautiful. I can hike, bike, kayak...and wine taste, of course! =)

Anyone is welcome to join me. I may ask around. But even if I go alone, I'm going!

from victim to victor

Reading through Your Perfect Right is going at a slow and steady pace. It's not a book to breeze through since it takes effort to think through the material and work on the various exercises.

I just completed Chapter 9 on Thinking Assertively...which got me thinking about all the negative and self-defeating thoughts that have sadly become automatic for me over the past few years. And there was an interesting tidbit on how idealistic thinking...thinking things should happen a certain way...and expecting things to happen a certain way can actually lead you into a destructive thought pattern.

At about 4:30 a.m., I woke up and stayed up for another hour thinking through things...about how in college and in my early twenties, I really liked who I was as a person. The whole world was filled with possibilities. I was well-educated and smart. I had built strong friendships, and friends regarded me as a pillar of strength. I was a charming individual with her own uniqueness and quite proud of it. I impressed people with my knowledge and understanding of the Bible. I loved being me.

I was also very idealistic.

In the latter half of my twenties, I slowly began to realize things don't happen the way they should. There may have been minor setbacks in the past, but increasingly my idealism was challenged. The pillar (I thought) I once was began to crack. "Why is it that when I do ABC that XYZ doesn't happen?" I wrestled (and still do!) with this for years and the resulting thought pattern of feeling like the victim emerged. It happened so slowly, I didn't even realize it. And to think I used to listen to people who thought this way and tried to help them see how unhealthy it was!

By the time I moved to NJ, I was confused and hurt. I pleaded with God to make things fall into place quickly (move, work, all the transitional stuff). I was seeking some sort of affirmation to help me accept what I felt were unfair sacrifices. And you know, absolutely nothing came easy. Nothing! There was an obstacle with every single thing...from car registration, license, insurance, inspection, apartment searching, and work. I was trying to recover from a heartbreak and what had turned into an unhealthy relationship. I grew even more frustrated and angry...and felt even more like the victim. I was unemployed (that alone will do something to your self-esteem) and alone in a freezing apartment during my first winter back on the East Coast and one of the coldest and snowiest winters ever. And yet at the same time I was here to minister to people...to be part of a church plant...to stand in front of people when I felt utterly broken...that pillar was not only cracked, it was completely obliterated. I felt powerless and utterly depressed. It is NOT normal for someone to cry every single day for months on end. I didn't know who I was anymore, and I didn't like who I had become.

The journey from victim to victor began seven months ago. And, well, you all should know the story by now. The feelings of victimization were still around, often in hidden layers. The journey has brought more of a realization of just how deep the layers underneath need to change.

I know in my mind that as a child of God, I already AM the victor. I know in my mind that I am still a person with much to offer the world. I know that I am still the person that I once loved being. And I know what I have learned over the past few years can make me wiser and stronger...if I want it to. That's my choice. Truth be told, it will take time to change those layers hidden deep inside, and there are times it may feel like a losing battle. But like I said, it's not a losing battle because in God, there is already victory.

I don't have to live like the victim; I can choose to live victorious.

On Saturday I had a nice chat with my buddy Jason (who used to throw the most awesome BBQ parties at his place with the indoor fire pit *drool*). He has become quite the adventure traveler, so I thought I would seek his advice. Belize has become a favorite adventure spot of his. If you check out his online album, you'll see he's also a great photographer.

It turns out he may relocate to Belize for six months and work as a scuba instructor. Nice.

Anyway, I'm still researching some options...and still looking for people to join me...or else I'm going alone.

TGI Monday!

Yes, I am glad it's Monday, not because I am glad to be back in the office but because I can finally recover from the weekend.

I just wrote this long blog entry about the weekend but for some reason it didn't publish. =(

I'll get back to it later.

new blog!

Woo-hoo! A new project for Joo. =)

Read my new blog!

52 boyd*, the sitcom

Esch calls it Three's Company for the 00's. I can see it now...folks talking about the recent episode of 52 Boyd*...

As far as the stars of the show, there are the three housemates: Will, Ed, and Joo. The two kids (probably watching TV or sitting in front of the computer with some of Erin's playfulness showing up in various ways) would be part of the show, but like Everybody Loves Raymond, it's not really about the kids...and certainly not about the three neglected cats trapped in the garage.

Will, the Asian man and father of the two kids, is the seemingly mild-mannered computer-guy-turned-bartender. Half the time you don't know if he's serious or if he's joking. He loves chocolate and has a fetish for women with glasses. His dance moves rival that of Elaine from Seinfeld.

Ed, who is ethnically Ugandan and was raised in Belgium (a.k.a. the "black man"), is the highly social and energetic, semi-employed young bachelor. When he is not listening to his audiobooks on leadership or watching his library of breakdancing DVDs (and...uhm...attempting to break dance), then he is chatting online with his friends scattered around the world. He eats organic cereal with soymilk on a regular basis.

Joo, the Asian heroine and goddess...haha...okay, so maybe I shouldn't be writing my own character description. Write one for me in the comment section and I'll pick the one I like the best. =)

All three residents of 52 Boyd* have Match profiles (and these are our Match photos). Their dating lives (or attempts at dating) will provide a good portion of the sitcom material.

Hmmmmm...I think this may call for a new blog! (Feedback would be appreciated!)

*52 Boyd is not the real location of the household. The location has been changed to protect the three housemates, the two kids...and the three cats.

Don't forget to write up a description for my character! =D

match therapy sessions

Would YOU continue contacting this person? Mind you, I've emailed him twice, both brief messgaes, and nothing more.

I have to tell u that u do like u and what u wrote and I am attracted to u. I wud love to get to know u a lot better, all off u. I can see myself spending __ __ life with u.

Wow, that must have been quite an email I wrote...

I wrote him after he said "I taught it wud be nice to get to know u" and admitted that I am way out of his league.

Why did I write him back after that email (his second email to me)? His profile and his initial email messages told me he had some seriously low self-esteem. It seemed clear to me that he has been in a string of bad relationships and he admits to never having been in love or someone being in love with him. He's a 45 year old single dad who's raised three kids on his own.

My last email back to him was brief with a little encouragement for him not to sell himself short. I asked him about his kids. That's it.

Now he can see himself spending ____ ____ life with him...whatever that means.

The poor man. He will never find the right woman unless he works on himself. What he needs is a good community of love and support, a good therapist, and JESUS. How do I tell him that?

change

Change by Tracy Chapman

If you knew that you would die today
If you saw the face of God and Love
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad how good does it need to get?
How many losses how much regret?
What chain reaction
What cause and effect
Makes you turn around
Makes you try to explain
Makes you forgive and forget
Makes you change
Makes you change

For you Metro folk, I'm ruining it for you. The worship team will be performing this song this Sunday. We will also be singing a song by LaRue (a Christian group)...which when I got the email I thought was a hip-hop artist...but I guess I musta gotten LaRue mixed up with a hip-hop artist that rhymes with LaRue. Har. I am such a dork!

Anyway, this was also my first time hearing Change. It got me thinking about what it takes to make someone change...what it has taken to make me change. It seems that it is often takes the bad experiences and the losses to get through to us. Maybe if our understanding of God and His love for us wasn't so limited...maybe then we would change more easily.

breaking news!

It looks like I'll be meeting a Match dude this Saturday at an Irish pub in Yonkers.

I might as well get it over with! (Nice attitude, huh?)

joo's news

I may be heading over to Blend again tomorrow night. It turns out Mark, our main bass player at church, will be playing a gig with Total Soul.

I have so lost interest in Match. I can't seem to get myself to respond back to guys who obviously share no common interest (like the guy who listens to Jimmy Buffet and is searching for his "Jersey girl")or guys who have little command of the English language or WRITE IN ALL CAPS. Maybe it's time I do my OWN search and take the initiative in contacting people.

The speed dating thing is next on my agenda, but I have been told it can be quite exhausting. I do, however, feel the need to work on the vibe I give off to guys...you know, the "don't talk to me" cold-shoulder vibe...which my friends know I'm really good at. *sigh* I know there are some deep-rooted fears and anxieties I need to work through in regards to that (some stuff I have mentioned before). I thought the speed dating thing might help me by forcing me to meet lots of people face to face, but we'll see.

On Sunday I'll be Elmo for half an hour. Anthony (who owns a DJ company) sometimes recruits me for face painting and asked if I'd be interested in giving this a shot. Who wouldn't want a chance to be absolutely adored by lots of little kids? I enjoy entertaining and being in costume so I think it will be fun. =)

That's all for Joo's News...for the moment.

the no dating cafe

I found a new site to join!

The No Dating Cafe!

Hmmm...interesting...there all these dating events listed on the No Dating Cafe...

match messaging

I'm really trying not to become cynical...

A dude on Match had asked if I had an AOL screen name, so I gave him one of my AIM aliases. Now, I must say, from his profile I had doubts that things would go anywhere with him, but I was trying to stay open-minded.

These were the kinds of questions he asked: "How tall are you again?", "You look fit in your pictures. Do you work out?", "What do guys usually notice about you?"

He didn't ask me any questions about my interests or really ask me anything to get to know me as a person. And the answers he gave to my questions were really brief. But maybe his answers were brief because he's a 28 year old still living with his parents who has little to offer a woman than a ride on his motorcycle.

Okay, I'm being mean...

But I did find myself becoming defensive with his line of questioning so I did in fact say something to him. I felt like I needed to know what his intentions might be so that we wouldn't be wasting each other's time.

At that point I could tell he was trying to find the right words not to blow it. The dorko.

dating blues

This weekend diminished the shred of optimism I may have had in regards to being "out there" again...

My original Friday plans fell through, so I managed to rally the housemates for a night out. Hanging out with the housemates was all good and fun...

After checking out 20/20, a new Mediterranean bar/restaurant with a really yummy martini menu, we made our way to Blend, a bar/restaurant in Ridgewood, NJ. It was decent venue with a decent live band...and it gave me an idea of what the NJ singles scene is like.

Let me just say, after that evening I prayed to God that I would not have to be part of the singles scene in my forties. I mean, there was a fairly good mix of people, but I would NOT want to find myself trying to find a soulmate amongst a group of older men who are either overly tanned with shirts unbuttoned halfway down and dancing really sleazy or men wearing polo shirts covering their huge pot bellies...

So sad...

Will invited a bunch of people over on Saturday. Too bad they were mostly women. And the men that were there were playing poker and I had to ask for their night to end earlier than they wanted because I needed to sleep.

On Sunday during lunch, a couple of women in their 30's were talking about some of the wacky and rather pathetic men they've encountered in their dating experience. Oh, joy.

I find myself uneager to contact the men of Match.com. This morning I received a short email from (yet another) 32 year old man (this time from Jersey) who had written a couple of emails before...seemed nice and friendly enough, no red flags. Well, his email this morning asked if I would be interested in just a casual affair.

WTF?? My previous Match experiences were never like this.

I'm SO aggravated.

itching to get away

Ohhhh...I am soooo itching to get away! I've been wanting to get away for a while now and since I'm not attached to anyone, it's the perfect time to plan something!

The thought of visiting California did cross my mind, but as much as I want to see all my friends, I decided I need to go someplace new.

And I think this time around I wanna go someplace for a more adventure type of trip...preferrably tropical and out of the country. Alaska has been a place I have wanted to go, not that it's tropical nor out of the country, but it has the beauty of nature and plenty of opportunity for adventure. But, alas, it's too far. I would probably take a short trip...five days or so.

Any suggestions? Anyone wanna join me??

burnt toast

I brought some bread from home so I could have some toast this morning. I popped the bread into the toaster and walked back to my office.

I don't know how old this toaster is, but it doesn't pop up automatically when the toasting is done. It keeps going and going...

I suddenly remembered I left the bread in the toaster and ran into the staff room to find the toaster smoking. Yikes! The bread was completely blackened, and I looked up at the billowing smoke with great concern. I frantically opened the window and found a large piece of cardboard to disperse the smoke a bit. I was waving the cardboard around like a madwoman. The LAST thing I need is for the fire alarm to go off and to have the fire department race over here. I can picture it now...the offices and the entire preschool needing to evacuate...the fire truck racing down the street...all because of a piece of burnt toast.

And now I have no breakfast. =(

bastard!

I'm a 32 year old wealthy attractive male here in Upstate NY. I have a girlfriend - but, honestly - I was just looking on Match to find an attractive Asian woman to meet for a little weekend romance.. I'd love to go away to some exotic location and have the time of our lives :)

What the HELL is this? I replied back to tell him thanks for the honesty but I'm not looking for a meaningless fling and that I would wish him luck but I am rather offended by his intentions and shouldn't he be honest with his girlfriend??

Bastard.

I bet he's butt ugly too!

match profile photos

Here are a couple of photos of eligible Match bachelors so you can get an idea of the kinds of guys that are out there:


will


ed

Oh, wait! These guys are my housemates! Heehee. These pictures are their actual Match profile photos, btw. That's right. All three of us are on Match...which is saying quite a bit since a week ago, Ed's views were very anti-dating (basically to counteract all his years of being very pro-dating, I believe). I gave him that Henry Cloud book, however, and now he's on Match too.

Yesterday at prayer meeting they were telling me I could probably write a sitcom based on our living situation. I'm sure I could!

I have to say, it's nice living with people again.

public!

*click!*

My Match profile is now visible! Heh.

It's been like a half an hour, and I just got an email from some Jewish dude with no photo. And I have just been winked at by a man with kinda weird-looking eyebrows.

I haven't paid for a subscription yet so although I can get email messages, I can't send any. We'll see what else comes in and then if I feel compelled, I will pay for yet another subscription. I plan to pay for three months this time around. I'd better use all three months of it!

back on the market?

Last night my housemates were trying to convince me to get back on Match at that very moment. Ed was ready to sign in for me and make my profile (which I already revised) visible with a click of the mouse.

Earlier in the evening I was having dinner with the Ahn's. Peter asked if I was back on the market yet.

I know people have varying opinions on when I should go back "out there." Some will tell me to put myself out there now. Others have told me to wait at least a month.

I realize the decision to go back "out there" is ultimately mine to make. Do I feel ready to do so? Initially I think I was feeling more regret about what and how things happened in my relationship with Kirk, but now, although unfortunate and sad, I am at peace knowing that for whatever reason things had to happen this way, it is ultimately for the best. There were lessons I'm sure we BOTH needed to learn, and this was the way it had to be done. After coming to terms with this, I feel more ready to move on. I had already known even before our break-up that I would pursue the dating thing differently from now on. So now the next step before I get back out there is to make some committments to myself about what I will and will not do.

This is what I've decided. I will spend at least three months dating and getting to know someone in a non-exclusive, non-committed, unattached way before entering into an exclusive relationship. It will be important for me to continue seeing other people and for me to make sure I'm not developing emotional and physical (Good Lord, have mercy!) attachments. Any person who expresses an interest in pursuing a relationship must go through the three-month period first, no matter how much I may initially like him. I must maintain my own separate identity and be able to express my own thoughts/opinions/etc. During those three months, the main goal is to establish the basic foundation of getting to know the other person as a PERSON and not as an object of affection or desire.

If the three months (or more if need be!) successfully passes (as described above), and there is a mutual agreement that a relationship be pursued, then there will be a conscious and deliberate choice to enter into a committed and exclusive relationship. By this point, there should be a willingness and a commitment to being open and honest, to work on communicating more effectively, and to make the relationship God-centered (how this will be done will need to be discussed and agreed upon). The relationship has now changed from being non-exclusive and "just-for-fun" to being exclusive and committed and increasingly "serious."

Hmmm...doesn't sound awfully romantic, huh? In truth, I think the romance part will be the easiest and most natural. The same goes for the physical. A lasting relationship, however, takes work, and it will be far easier if there is a solid foundation. I don't want a relationship that is doomed to fail from the start because of a lack of foundation. A better foundation will give the relationship a fair chance.

Am I ready to put my profile back up on Match? I'll give myself one more day. I plan to have it up sometime tomorrow. And then hopefully by Sunday or Monday I'll actually want to reply back to an email or two.

blog birthday

I missed the anniversary of my blog this year! I suppose with the move and everything else that has been going on, it was totally not in my mind at all.

Four years, and going strong!

dehumidifier

Last week my new dehumidifier finally arrived, something I could have probably used as soon as I moved in since the basement can be quite damp.

I plugged the dehumidifier in my room, and in just over 24 hours, the Soleus dehumidifer which holds six liters of water reached full capacity. Impressive! The second time around, it took about 36 hours. I love my dehumidifer. It works great, and it's super quiet!

Jennifer had bought me some flowers on Saturday which I placed in a vase on my kitchen table. It was so thoughtful of her! But to my horror, on Monday, I saw that the flowers had wilted, almost to a crisp! How could that be? I just got the flowers on Saturday! To my surprise, the vase had absolutely no water in it. It was completely dry!

Maybe the dehumidifier works TOO well.

friendster

Okay, so I had recently updated my status in my Friendster profile from "in a relationship" to "single"...and I logged in today to discover a new message from someone who is friends with someone three people removed from me.

Now some of you may know what happened the last time I responded to a message and met someone from Friendster who was friends with a friend three people removed...

So do I respond? This guy actually only has two friends on Friendster. Can you trust a guy with only two friends?? And his main picture is all dark and fuzzy. The one sorta clear photo in his profile is...well...slightly creepy. Hee.

*sigh* Well, I did write back. I told him I didn't know if I should be writing back to a guy with only two friends on Friendster. I didn't say anything about the creepy part though.

tribute in light (and other stuff...)

west new york, nj view of the tribute in light


an attempt at a zoomed-in shot

This weekend I had decided as much as I wanted to get out and about, that I was NOT driving into the city. I realized I need a break from five months of paying tolls, burning fuel, and circling around for a legitimate parking spot. *sigh* I need to make friends with people who have cars and don't mind driving into the city! Sooner or later (and probably sooner than later) my desire to venture into Manhattan will be greater than my desire to boycott the drive. Either that or it's public transportation.

Last night, however, I almost made an exception. In fact, if I didn't have to go to the BATHROOM so badly, I would have probably driven to Lower Manhattan and visited Ground Zero. And to think I used to be in that area every week, almost every Sunday and the one Sunday that would have been more meaningful...

Speaking of Sundays, I realized how especially restless I was yesterday. I mean, I've been restless the past couple of weekends, but Sundays...Sundays more so.

I didn't want to be by myself yesterday (because even being by myself in my car after lunch was sad), so after church and after lunch, I spent the rest of the day with a couple of ladies from Metro. It was good girl-talk...and it was good to laugh and to make other people laugh and to just be my animated self. You know, I don't think Kirk has ever REALLY heard me laugh, and I doubt he would ever describe me as animated. Sad, huh? There were times I used to hang out with friends without Kirk around and I would think, "Why can't Kirk be here now? I don't think Kirk gets to see this part of me." Really truly SAD!

Restless...yes, I've been restless. On Saturday evening I wanted to go out and DO something, but I was refusing to drive into the city and no one was available except for my housemate Ed who doesn't drive and is flat broke and I didn't want to abandon him so we ended up after figuring out our local no-cost-for-Ed options, that visiting our landlord and housemate Will at the bar where he works was our only option. (Boy, that was a mouthful.)

And while we were exploring our options and I continued to feel restless, I thought to myself that I need to go back on Match...like SOON. And yesterday I decided that I want to try the speed-dating thing. I think it will be good for me to get out there and just MEET people.

But another part of me wonders if I'm ready or if I should give myself more time.

God has been good, and I have certainly felt His presence through all this. It's been a good time to re-focus and restore my intimacy with God...and to realize the things He has been wanting me to learn. I've been working through the exercises in the assertiveness book...right now it's helping me to sort through the specific problem areas...recognizing that I'm not always non-assertive but that there are certain situations/people/etc. that are problem areas for me and that I need to get to the thoughts and feelings behind the problem areas...which I think I've already been doing.

Wow, okay...I went WAY off track. I started this blog entry to write about 9/11 stuff and somehow I ended up writing all this...

four years

It's been four years since the tragedy of 9/11. How are you living your life differently now than back then?

More thoughts later. Time for church!

virtual adolescence

My recent blog entries have sparked conversations via email and phone with various friends who recognize similar struggles in their own lives. This blog entry is a result of one of these conversations...

There was an incident that happened...back when I was in junior high, just barely a teenager dealing with emerging hormones and boys being interested in asking you out for the first time...already such a confusing and fragile time in life...

I am fortunate, really. Other women have dealt with far more traumatic events, and some repeatedly so.

I hadn't thought about the incident for many years (I considered it forgiven and forgotten), but since college the memory would come to mind here and there, particularly when asking myself if I had any issues with men. It has been on my mind again in the past few months, but this time with a little more clarity.

I came to realize more recently how that incident has kept me in virtual adolescence when dealing with the opposite sex. I don't think anyone would have thought so; I certainly didn't. I have always had a lot of male friends, some very close. I could conclude from that, that I am very capable of having close and healthy relationships with men. And it's not like I've been in denial of my sexuality. I concluded since I was aware and honest about being a sexual person that I was okay too. These conclusions have kept me from understanding the real truth.

The truth is...I am still that scared girl...frozen in fear, in shock...unable to voice objection...unable to comprehend why...ashamed that I couldn't stop it from happening to my sister too...too ashamed to talk to my concerned parents or to answer my grandfather's questions...wanting, out of the goodness of my heart, to forgive my cousin and not to hold a grudge...to forget it ever took place.

Don't be alarmed. Like I said, it could have been far worse, and in many ways, it was really just a small incident...

But its impact has proven to be greater than I thought.

All those years from then on and through my twenties of being closed off to dating...thinking a good Christian woman just passively trusts God to bring the man of her dreams into her life...and wanting to date but struggling in her late twenties and even now because of her virtual adolescence in this area, I know now how much growing up I have to do. It's humbling for a woman of 31 to realize that she still interacts with men (not male friends, but...MEN) as a confused, insecure, awkward...and damaged teenage girl.

the angry phase (darn it!)

At some point yesterday afternoon, I knew I had entered the angry phase. I felt anger about what happened, towards Kirk, and towards myself...not that I really AM mad at anyone, but I knew I needed to let myself feel upset so that I could move past it. I also found myself becoming annoyed and peeved at people calling for different requests at the church, at people driving on the road, etc. I had become extra-sensitive to the many ways people request or even demand things from me.

I came to a meeting last night at Pastor Peter's place, and to my surprise, Simon immediately (like as soon as I walked through the door) sensed that I was being "angry Joo." Was it that obvious?

You know, Simon had long before addressed the passive issue with me numerous times. He would talk to me, more or less, about my need to be assertive. I didn't get it back then...maybe because I was too accustomed to how I had become and probably because I had become too deflated of a person...definitely deflated and damaged as a person. Well, now I finally get it and so I told Simon about my desire to change and to become assertive which he was happy to hear, of course. Simon offered to give me a book on audio and also gave me a tip...the "darn it" method.

With the "darn it" method, the trick is that you should be able to say "darn it" after everything you say. "I would like a slice of cheese pizza...darn it!" If you cannot say "darn it" (not out loud but in your mind) after your statement, then you are really not expressing yourself. Pretty cool, eh?

If you catch me saying "darn it", you'll know why. =P

Today I am feeling really good, actually. I am no longer feeling angry. I feel more at peace and...happy. =)

DARN IT! =D

it IS about me

Last night I made myself my first real meal at my new home (the Thai curry I made for Ed and myself the other night was yummy but doesn't really count). A nicely seasoned pork loin chop, fresh string beans, and homemade red-skin mashed potatoes with a glass of Burgundy wine. It was nice, but I don't think I'll ever get used to eating alone...

I forgot to set my alarm this morning and woke up at 9:38 a.m. Oops!

Now on to what thoughts have been ruminating in my head...

It IS about me. Okay, so I originally wrote this really long blog entry, but I think it'll be more confusing for people...so I'll just say something short for now...

When I can fully grasp that it IS about me...that it's in fact good theology to think this way...then I won't fall into the trap of giving too much of myself, my own needs, desires, and thereby losing my own identity and even an understanding of what my needs and desires are and losing my ability to express myself...and in turn becoming resentful towards others and God...making me feel powerless, letting it affect my self-esteeem, leading me into depression...etc.

This is an on-going struggle for me (some themes are redundant in my blog entries), has been since I began my life as a Christian and it has been masked as Christian humility and sacrifice. God has really been trying to work on this area in my life over the past few years. In fact, 9/11 kinda shook me out of this resentful pattern I was falling into, pushing me to make the decision to leave a missions organization. That was about four years ago, but I went from that into another downward spiral which began about two and a half years ago after a devastating heartbreak...that proved to be much more damaging. If I had a healthy understanding of my identity and didn't resent God so much, it wouldn't have damaged me so.

There is soooooo much more I can say about all this, but I'll leave it at that for now...

Confused yet? I know I am. Do you know the missing "dead" cat has mysteriously re-appeared back into the garage???

the night out

More thoughts on the night out in NYC...

On Saturday night, I was able to convince Keesha, Chris, Amy, and Jennifer to venture out into NYC. Preferrably I would not have wanted the stress of driving and parking but, alas, I was the ONLY one in the group who had a car. Ha!

I went home to change, and as I was about to leave, Dan looks at what I'm wearing and feels the need to make sure I'm not intending to do anything I would regret. I understand his concern...and he knows what happens when I'm out on the dance floor, but I assure him that I'm with a bunch of friends, and since I'm the driver, I have to be responsible. I promise him I will not do anything stupid. I just need to blow off some steam.

I must say...it was strange driving through the Lincoln Tunnel knowing I was not going to see Kirk...

We had decided to check out the outdoor upstairs lounge at the Maritime Hotel. There were a ton of people outside, and someone made the observation that most of them were well-groomed men. Heehee. Since "gay night" was not what we were looking for, we walked over to the Meatpacking district to find an alternate location. When we realized for various reasons, the only feasible location was APT, they all looked at me.

"Oh, let's just go to APT. I'll be fine," I assured them.

"Really?"

I then visualized myself inside APT without Kirk and then replied, "Okay. Never mind. Maybe not just yet."

We found ourselves back at Martime, in a jam-packed lounge completely filled with men...and none of them even had the slightest interest in dancing with us. I don't mean to sound conceited or anything, but that's a first for me!

Yeah, well, you know...it was probably better for me that way.

laborless labor day

This past weekend I did...

...a lot of pacing. I tend to pace when I have things on my mind and can easily pace for hours while thinking through things. Fortunately, the house was empty all day Saturday, so I took time to sort through things in my head. I also took the time to do so on Monday.

...some cleaning and unpacking. Not nearly as much as I should have, but some.

...some napping. Maybe more than I should have, but then again, maybe not.

...some moving. Keesha needed help packing and moving her stuff into her fourth-floor walk-up apartment in Hoboken. For a while it was just me and Keesha trying to lug everything up those loooong flights of stairs. Eek!

...some fun stuff. While the alone time was good for me, I knew I would need to spend time with people too. Checked out a beer bar in NJ (decent selection; atmosphere was lacking). Ate some yummy Malaysian food in Hoboken. Gathered a group to venture into NYC for a night out. Went over to the boys' place (Won, Sunny, Peter) for some food and company and dragged my housemate Ed to go with me. It was nice to be around people who care.

There are still moments of sadness from time to time, but overall I am doing better. I tend to carry tension around my shoulders, however, and even today I can tell it's still with me. It was nice to have a long weekend, but I could sure use a few more days...

dead cat?

Three cats had been roaming freely throughout the basement prior to my move. After I moved in, Will decided to relocate the cats into the garage. Maybe I should have been more compassionate towards the cats, but I knew it was time for the entire basement to be reclaimed and its full potential as a really cool liveable space realized.

On Saturday night, after showering, I was informed by my housemate Ed and my part-time housemate Dan that the smaller cat had escaped. Will has been away all weekend so he wasn't around to deal with the situation.

They had given up on trying to capture or contain the cat so I made a few attempts. I almost had the cat in my hands twice, but it was late. I gave up and went to bed. It wasn't my fault anyway, I reasoned.

The next morning, there is no sign of the cat. Dan and I looked around the basement but was unsuccessful in finding the feline, although with so many places to hide, it was possible that it was just tucked away in some dark corner. We left for church.

In the afternoon Dan calls me. "Hey, FYI, Janet was telling me when cats are about to die, they hide." I freaked. What is he trying to say? The cat, in fact, was so small, Will speculated it might have worms. It was a sickly cat. Could the cat be dead in some part of the basement??

I've become paranoid stepping into that half of the basement. Even worse, I'm becoming paranoid that the cat might have somehow gotten into MY part of the basement and might be dead in some corner hidden in MY things. I am still not fully unpacked so the number of places to hide are many. Eek!

Ed went downstairs this morning. There is no sign of the cat. He thinks the cat might have escaped out of a crack in the window.

I hope it DID escape. I think the loss of a live cat is far better than finding a dead one.

what's next?

Hey, friends. Thank you for all your support and care. I wanted to let you know that I'm doing okay. Really.

Truthfully, yesterday was hard. I didn't want to be at work, and I found myself crying on and off throughout the day. But as I left work, I felt this was the time to start making choices and being my own person. Once I made that decision, I've been doing much better.

Looking back...since hindsight is 20/20, I realize I was in no condition to be in a relationship with anyone. I was recovering from a damaged self-esteem. I still lacked confidence in myself as a person. But I was starting to take the steps to change. Deciding to put myself out there in the dating world was the first step in really changing the powerlessness I felt. Throwing myself my own birthday party and doing it my way and taking charge over it was another step. I was finding myself again.

I wish I had stuck with my six-month plan to date and not be in any relationship. I think Kirk and I would have been spared the heartache (maybe we would have never pursued a relationship in the end, who knows), and I think I would be more ready as a person to be in a relationship if I had used these past six months to work on myself instead of trying to be someone's girlfriend. Then again, maybe I wouldn't have learned this lesson any other way. God gives and takes away for a reason.

When Kirk stepped into the picture right around the beginning of my six-month plan, the feelings took over...and because I wanted for the first time in my life (finally!) to be with someone (and because he was so irresistible), I let things happen. I wanted it to happen. But I was far from ready for it.

About a month (yes, a month) into our relationship, I began to feel the stress and the lack of confidence emerging. Instead of responding as a whole person with her own thoughts, opinions, etc. I was becoming the frightened girl who lacked confidence once again. Maybe I was that girl from the beginning of the relationship, but the flaws didn't emerge until I began to feel the strain.

I realize now that being passive is not so much a personality thing. I think personality might lend someone to be passive, but in reality, passivity is a character flaw. It comes from someone who is weak and unsure and who as a result suppresses their own thoughts, feelings, etc. It has roots in my childhood and in being a small Asian Christian woman (and if you need me to explain this let me know =P). I was slipping into it further and deeper again. I can no longer make excuses for myself for being this way.

Unfortunately, Kirk and I were not able to bring out the best in each other. The foundation of our relationship was weak and did not allow for it. And I was not at a place where I could bring out the best in someone because I couldn't bring out the best in myself.

I know I am much more beneficial to Kirk as a friend, without the insecurities that resulted from wanting to be his girlfriend. As a friend, I would feel more free to say things and do things or not say and do things...I can feel more free to be me.

Sometimes it's not so apparent, I guess. I have complained about NJ a lot and have wondered why life in California seemed so much easier and happier. Sure, there were external circumstances, but I know now that most of it was internal. I have reacted to my life here out of fear, low self-esteem, and a ruined confidence.

I have understood to some degree what the problem was, but only now am I understanding how far-reaching the problem has been.

So...what's next? I need to go back to where I was six months ago...focusing on healing and changing myself. It starts with the every day decision of how I'm going to live my life and making the conscious effort to make even the little decisions with self-confidence. It starts with finding my voice and learning how to express it. It starts with putting my home in order and taking charge of my life situation. I've even purchased a couple of books on being assertive. And I'm doing all this, not because I want to change for Kirk...but because I NEED to change for myself.

tearful goodbyes

Yesterday after work, I dropped by my old apartment since the super requested I leave the keys on the kitchen counter. I picked up the last of my mail and walked into the empty apartment I used to call home. I couldn't help but to shed a couple of tears as I walked around the apartment one last time. I miss that place.

My relationship with Kirk has been on my mind a lot in the past few weeks. I've dealt with numerous emotions and thoughts; it had been a source of stress when life was already feeling quite stressful with the move. We had agreed to meet up last night to talk face to face.

The conclusion is that we have ended anything romantic between us. I had expected it would be somewhat emotional, of course...not sure I expected it to be this hard. He is someone I had learned to love and care for as a person. That's still true, in fact. He is still a wonderful person, and I hope we can stay friends.

I suppose it takes longer for the heart to accept what the mind has already accepted. It will take some time for me to sort through what my heart is feeling. I guess I won't be ready to jump back into the dating world right now...not today for sure.

Many lessons learned...at a cost...and with tearful goodbyes.

nut milk

Ever since I read the story on Gothamist about a young woman who used her cameraphone to take a picture of a man masturbating in front of her on the subway, I followed the story with keen interest, expecting the man would eventually be found. How could he not when THOUSANDS of people saw the picture on Flickr? And thousands more must have read the article in the Daily News; it was front page!

*sigh* Maybe this will teach all public masturbators a lesson. I've heard multiple stories from victims of the horrifying experience, but now it finally seems like victims have the upper hand.

It turns out the dude, Dan Hoyt, is the co-owner of a raw foods restaurant, Quintessence. He is co-owners with his ex-wife and is responsible for the menu. Yes, he probably touched a whole lot of raw foods with his bare hands!! One commenter on the latest Gothamist update about Hoyt notes that they serve "nut milk" at Quintessence...nut milk!!

It's too bad. The restaurant and the menu DOES sound really good...except I can't look at that menu without wondering about the nut milk and all the other raw, creamy ingredients...