broken and empowered

I could not possibly tell you everything in words...because I'm not even sure what it is...but there is this tugging...a quiet expectancy...

Last week with my voice going in and out...wanting to listen to God's voice...

On Friday...listening to someone share about her trip to Africa...many, many miraculous healings...groups of people coming to know Jesus...obvious displays of God's power. It's been so long since I've heard stories like that. It was good to be reminded of God's power again. How could anyone NOT want to be a part of that??

On Saturday...Neah's concert...Neah who is obviously gifted and anointed by God. God's power evident in her ministry. I was inspired. I want to be at that place. Being used by God powerfully. Doing what you were created to do.

Power seems to be the key word, but on the flip side, there is brokenness.

The reason God's power is so evident in Malawi and Mozambique is because people are so desperate. They are people who have been broken.

Although I do not know the details of what Neah has gone through in her life, she talked and sang alot about being broken. She shared an illustration about how if there is a sheep that regularly wanders off from the flock and is in danger of being attacked by wild animals, the shepherd will break the leg of the sheep, bandage the leg, and carry the sheep on his shoulders. As the sheep is carried, the sheep familiarizes itself to the shepherd's voice and learns to trust him. After the leg is healed, the shepherd will allow the sheep to walk on its own, but now, after being carried and being cared for by the shepherd, the sheep will choose to stay by the shepherd's side.

Being broken is NOT easy. The Christian life is NOT easy. But to know (I mean really, really know) that God of power...to fully love and trust Him...and, yes, Tre...to fully be able to receive from Him. I want to be at that place again.

my heart and mind

It's hard to believe it's only barely 2:30. All the important work for this week is finished for me, and I'm sitting here bored instead of catching up with little odds and ends.

My blog entries seem to be matter-of-fact as of late. I wish I could delve into my heart and mind, but there are some things still brewing in my mind and maybe I still haven't made sense of things yet...but maybe I'm not supposed to, at least not yet.

These days I have been praying to God for a lot of wisdom and a lot of mercy. Lately in my prayers I often just sit there not knowing what to say or do. But maybe that's the point. I don't have to say or do anything. If anything, I should probably pray more for others. I don't like being so self-absorbed.

Trust. When did it become so difficult to fully and completely trust God? When did complete abandonment become so hard? How can one regain it?

lunch, dating, and "marriage"

Most of my lunch hours (or minutes) are spent inside the church so it's nice to have the occasional lunch companion. And it's even nicer when my lunch companion can stick around and help me finish mailing out this church's monthly newsletter. =P (Thanks, esch!)

My voice is gone. Not completely, but it was a quieter than normal lunch. We did, however, manage to cover all the major topics...like dating and prevalent views on sex.

Small group tonight. Originally we were planning a snow rumble for tonight's "social" night, but it's just too dang cold. Simon has instead concocted an unusual game for the evening. We'll be paired off to answer questions as if we were married to the other person.

Gee, I hope my "husband" and I get along.

flowers

the bouquet of flowers from Hannah & Susan

A few days ago, Hannah asked if I had received a bouquet of flowers that she and Susan had sent. I said I had not. It was upsetting that all their effort seemed to be in vain, but I was touched that they would have done that for me.

Well, the flowers finally arrived today! This is the first time I've ever received flowers. I must admit, it's kinda neat.

I promised Hannah I'd show her a picture of what the bouquet looked like if I ever received them so I decided to post the pictures on my blog. =)

(I love you guys and miss you too!)

a close-up shot 

reverend hong

Well, it is official as of last night. This church (the one that pays my bills) will have a new pastor as of February 1, 2005. He is considered "stated supply", whatever that means.

We share the same last name. Weird, huh?

I wonder if people will get confused and think we're husband and wife (eek!) or think this is a Korean church (ha!). The most important thing, though, is whether or not we will work well together. I guess we'll see.

daddy's 6-0

It was my daddy's 60th birthday today. Happy Birthday, daddy!

besame mucho

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche la última vez...

Kiss me, Kiss me many times
As if this night were for the last time...

The composer of Besame Mucho, Consuelo Velazquez, passed away on Saturday. I've been playing Diana Krall's version (one of thousands of versions) of this song in tribute to her life and accomplishment as a musician.

This song reminds me of the time when a few of us went down to Rosarito, Mexico to eat lobsters and drink beer. There was a mariachi group, and Jean had requested this song. That was the most memorable part of that trip for me...eating lobsters, drinking beer, and listening to a mariachi-version of Besame Mucho...that and the stinky baby's breath in the bouquet of roses that Susan got from her then-boyfriend. Baby's breath must be banned.

Come to think of it, that was almost exactly three years ago. I think we took that trip during Valentine's Day if I'm not mistaken...

high school crush

My dear friend Rej emailed me pictures, one of which contained a recent picture of one of my old high school crushes. Come to think of it, he was probably the only high school crush I really had. He was my friend's older brother, and all the girls thought he was hot.

My, how time flies and how time changes things.

the snowy weekend

Despite the snow, or maybe because of it, it was a nice weekend. The snow began about noon on Saturday, and after a prolonged meeting and lunch, I was able to slowly make my way home. My bed beckoned, but after a while, I managed to drag myself out of bed and pack my bag for an overnight stay at parka's. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than being trapped inside all alone. Okay, maybe there are worse things...like torture or hunger or death...

I have realized how lucky I am to have the friends that I have out here. Very lucky, indeed.

snowed in

15 freakin' inches of snow. insanity!

mommy, daddy, and me 

=(

My parents have left. How sad. =(

crazy and nice

My parents arrived around 2 p.m. at my workplace. I introduced them to the staff and gave them a tour of this historic church. Each staff person said how much they loved having me here and how great I was and how pleasant I am. I had told a couple of them before that when people meet my parents, they can usually figure out where I get some of my personality. The music director had mentioned to me before that I wasn't the typical demure Asian woman. I found that statement kind of interesting since I think I'm quite demure in the workplace. It's not like I'm on the dance floor here.

When I introduced my parents to the music director, he mentioned something about me being crazy and nice. I told him that my mom is nice, and my dad is crazy. =)

My mom is nice because she's always finding ways to do things for me. "What do you need?" "What can I do?" She is very nurturing and caring, and I only hope that some of that has rubbed off on me.

My dad is crazy...for many reasons. Last night at about 9:30 he asked for coffee. He said he needed to take his medication. With coffee?? I made tea instead.

Apparently my dad has been writing poetry every day for the last two months. It started when my mom was away in Korea for surgery, and he wanted to write a poem about my mom. He doesn't know what happened, but he's been non-stop ever since. He thinks of it as a gift from God, and he's planning to make a book of poetry.

My dad will be turning 60 years old in five days. I cannot believe he's hit 60. It made me kind of sad to think about it, actually.

I love my parents dearly, and I'm glad they're here. And I'm glad they're crazy and nice.

parents

My parents had called me last week to tell me they are in the States and would call when they were able to visit. They called last night to tell me they would be driving up from Maryland today. I was smart; this time I asked them what time I should expect them to arrive. I have not yet found out, however, how long they will be staying. Hopefully it'll be longer than just a few hours. They are notorious for whirlwind visits.

In the midst of my emotional mess, I am grateful that my parents can be here, even for a short period of time. I'm not expecting that my parents will understand everything that I'm going through, because I don't even think I could adequately explain. But right now, I am needing some sense of home and of who I am again....some sort of anchor. It'll be good to have my parents around.

the phone call

Last night I had a conversation with a friend...the first and thus far the only man I can say I have ever been in love with.

We never "dated", but there was certainly some level of involvement. We cared for each other deeply, and still do. He had tried to explain to me before why he wouldn't be with me and let me be with him. He had tried to reassure me that it had nothing to do with me and that I was an amazing person.

It still hurt...tremendously. And I moved to New Jersey with a broken heart.

I remember at the time he would talk about how he doesn't want to date for the next five years. I found the statement absolutely ludicrous. I had predicted to myself that he would end up dating someone before I would. I guess I understood the statement more correctly to mean that he wouldn't be ready to date someone like me. And I understood that I wouldn't be able to move on so easily.

So I was right. He has been seeing someone.

I had originally wanted to talk with him to apologize for an emotional outburst and to explain some things. I had assumed he might realize I still had lingering feelings for him, but what he did not know was that in the past few weeks I've been dealing with things that have in some way harshly led me to re-live some of the pain, frustration, and hurt I had experienced with him.

He was sorry to hear that things have been this way for me. I am sure he has hoped that things in my life would have turned out differently by now.

He went on to reassure me again that I should not in any way consider that I must be lacking in some way. He explained that the reason he feels comfortable to be in a relationship with this other person is that things are still unknown. They're still getting to know each other, and there is no expectation for anything. I suppose I had represented something far more serious and meaningful which he wasn't ready for. And sure, I would have wanted to give him something of significance because I was willing to do anything for him, but all I had ever wanted from him was a chance.

It doesn't seem fair. And it still hurts.

album release

I am usually early for church, but this Sunday after picking up some folks, I walked in a wee bit late. Metro was packed out, but I did notice a nearly empty row and excused myself as I made my way to a seat. "Hey!" said the person as I excused myself. No, it wasn't out of rudeness but rather out of recognition. The person I sat next to ended up being someone I had met before...a few years back through John and Laura. She is also friends with my old roomie Susan and had come for a visit back when I still lived in Cali.

She's releasing her sophomore album, Without Wax, and there will be a special concert on January 29. Check out Neah's site for more information. =)

walking away from it all

As you have probably gathered from Friday's blog entry, I wasn't feeling all that great. Friday evening only continued in the same sad state. When I awoke on Saturday morning to get ready for the coach's huddle (Metro's meeting for leaders), I was still quite emotional.

I was quiet when I arrived. Most people assumed I was just tired, but my eyes were puffy from both lack of sleep and tears. We finally got around to sharing; I was the last person to share. Weary, I had no more strength to hold back the emotions. Just as I thought I would do, I cried.

There is certainly something therapeutic about being able to cry in front others.

Today, however, I look in the mirror, and I still look so tired. I feel like the last two years have aged me by ten.

I know I need to walk away from it all. I don't mean walking away from my work or church or life, and certainly not from God...but walking away from those things which...I can't fully explain at the moment. But I am so done. I need to walk away.

The hard task of obedience is not over for me yet either. I often ask God how much longer will it be this way. I am growing rather tired of always trying to do the right thing, but I need to persevere.

And I find myself needing wisdom. I remember there was a period in my life where I would reguarly pray for wisdom, wisdom beyond my years. Somewhere along the path I must have stopped praying for wisdom and instead learned to depend on my own knowledge and understanding. Yesterday I decided to cut short my personal reading and meditation through 1 Corinthians and go back to the book of Proverbs. I figured reading through Proverbs and praying for wisdom again would be a good start.

Walking away...in a new direction...walking a different path.

drained

I started my period yesterday before small group. Turnout for small group was great. Two new people including one woman I knew from school. Sunny facilitated and shared from his heart. Spent time praying in groups.

Had another talk to discuss boundaries with particular friend. Came home at 1 a.m. Went to bed. Cramps kept me up until they were so excruciating I couldn't sleep. Popped some pills at about 6:30 a.m.

It's been an extremely busy day at work. Wondering if I'll need to stay late. Decided not to participate in the worship team for this Sunday. Maybe I won't go to practice tonight. Have leadership meeting and worship team practice tomorrow.

I feel so drained...emotionally and physically drained...on the verge of tears.

Authority and Boundaries

Last night I met up with Simon, the co-leader for the Singles group, for the purpose of discussing the group's direction. The night, however, ended up being mostly a discussion about me.

With eyes lit in a moment of epiphany, Simon exclaims that my issue is with authority. He informs me that I must claim my authority in Christ. That I must restore the joy of my salvation. For those of you who know Simon, he enjoys using Scripture references and movie analogies. He talked about the second Spiderman movie when Peter Parker struggles with the burden of being Spiderman and in the struggle begins to lose his superpowers. I remember watching the movie and strongly identifying with the struggle...not that I have superpowers, but I can understand the burden and the desire not to carry it. The lesson, I guess, is that I must claim my authority (or identity, in a sense) in Christ and be the person I was meant to be.

I can see too how my lack in wanting to take hold of authority has led to blurry boundaries. It has also led to confusion and indecisiveness (not that I'm not naturally indecisive).

Simon cited our relationship as an example of a healthy relationship. There is no crossing of boundaries and there is a mutual respect. He's right. It's nice to be reminded that I do have healthy relationships with people at a time when an unhealthy one has consumed so much of me.

Maybe my problems do all stem from this...what Simon is calling authority. I used to be more comfortable with who I was and the authority I had. I thought back to a time in my life where I felt I had that authority and respect...a time when I really felt I was truly ministering to people.

It's time to work back to that place again.

getaway

I am looking forward to the long weekend and have been feeling the need to get away from quite some time now. More than anything, I know I need a silent retreat...a time for spiritual restoration where I can be silent before God. I have been yearning for that.

Originally I had hoped for a longer getaway but being how my life is, I barely have time for myself. It is another jam-packed weekend. Since I do have Monday off, however, I figured I could at least leave sometime after church and return Monday evening.

I've been looking into retreat centers that allow for individuals. I have asked one friend if she would accompany me, but I suppose even if she doesn't, I really do need this for myself.

Another part of me wanted to get away for the entire weekend all together. I looked into flights to California, but I can't seem to justify spending over $300 for 2 1/2 days.

I'm ready for my getaway.

hurting...

I am trying to be friends with a paraticular person in a way that is healthy for the both of us, and I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want to be hurt by any more inconsiderate and insensitive behavior. And I'm tired of trying to make sense of seemingly inconsistent words and actions.

I know it is because this person is emotionally not healthy right now. I just wish I knew what to do.

Choices and Second Chances

I know I must make different choices than I have, and these days I feel like I have a second chance in a way...a test to see if I have learned from my past.

I know I am vague at times...sometimes it is to protect other people involved and at other times it is to protect myself...because I am not proud of some of the things I have done. Sometimes keeping things secret, however, only prevents things from changing...

Almost exactly a year ago, I met someone...a short fling, you might call it. He came at a time when I was hurting and feeling very alone in the frigid cold of the Northeast. And lust beckoned me to succumb. The only reason we did not cross "the line" is that I did not want to cross the line for the first time with him. It certainly wasn't because he wasn't trying. I did, however, see him one or two other times. I found myself letting him take from me, and I felt emptier each time. Lust is powerful, but in situations like these, it takes something away from you. Fortunately, his business took a different direction, and he left the country shortly.

Yesterday he contacted me to inform me he's back in town for a while. In my mind I knew the right thing to do would be completely close communication from the start. Why do I always find it so hard to be firm?

I find it quite interesting that he appears at a time when I am going through a similar life situation. Not exactly similar, I suppose. There are some differences; one being that I know better. The test would be whether I would respond differently.

The fact that I even contemplate for a split second whether I should meet up with this guy is humbling. I still have weaknesses. Yet I know I also have the power to make different choices. I wasn't going to keep this in the dark. I needed to share this. Fortunately, a dear friend talked some sense into me yesterday.

Temptations and tests will continue, and I already have some other choices ahead of me. I pray that I will continue to do the right thing.

Args!

Okay, so I went ahead and decided to change over. I figured I can figure out how to keep my old commenting system. All the comments are still out there. I just have to figure out how to get them back on my blog.

I'll have to work on fixing my blog to make it look like the unwieldy wumanjoo again.

Bah.

I'm debating about whether or not I should change my blog to take better advantage of all that Blogger has to offer including their own commenting system. If I do so, however, I will lose all of my old comments. That's the only thing keeping me from making the switch. What shall I do?

My lack of concentration at work is ever-increasing. I'm bored. I'm restless. I'm not staying on top of things.

I wonder how much longer I need to be here. I suppose I need to first figure out what I'm going to do next. I just know it's not going to be this.

I remember at the beginning of 2004, I had blogged about how 2003 was a hard year for me and also how I wasn't sure if 2004 was going to be any better...that I wasn't sure if the worst was over. I sincerely hope the "worst" is over, whatever that means, but for 2005...I still sense there are a couple of big tests I need to pass. To pass them won't be easy.

I want 2005 to be a "better" year, but I'm not so sure it will be.

It's one thing to make a decision, and quite another to stick to it. I don't think this is going to be easy.

I have one other person to talk with...dunno what's going to happen with that.

*sigh*

Last night we had our first small group of the year. I wasn't honestly feeling 100% about being there with all that I've been dealing with emotionally, but being there was good for me. It was good to re-connect with the group again...to talk about our current spiritual state and our spiritual "messiness".

I hope some of my mess is untangled in 2005.

For the first time in my life, I have asked for someone to put our friendship "on hold" or perhaps, more accurately, I have asked for some distance. I still care about this person and about our friendship, so by no means am I cutting things off out of spite or anger.

This is something I would have never dreamed of ever doing in the past. I have always been the type of person to be there for my friends no matter what. In some friendships I would give and give and give; they would take and take and take. And I am left a mere shadow of my former self. In one instance, it almost destroyed me completely, and I can't let that happen again. It has taken too long to rebuild myself.

I hope our friendship resumes. I have actually left that up to the other person, because I can't be the one to step in this time. And I don't want this person to only resume friendship because he needs it...but because he will be able to cherish and protect it.

I have had some time to think more rationally about things, and I realize as upsetting as things are, it is all really necessary. It's as if God is making me deal with things, and I need to deal with things differently in order for 2005 to be a different kind of year.

I remember a while back, someone had told me some things he thought I needed to change about myself. At the time, I could only see a sliver of truth in anything he said. I disagreed in some ways, but I had promised to keep those things in mind. I thought perhaps our differences in opinion had more to do with our different approaches to life. I think he said something about how time would tell if he was right or not.

Dang it. I can't believe it. He was right.

My new year's resolution is to no longer let myself be treated like crap...particularly by any member of the male population. I suppose the most hurtful has not been from the men I didn't really know but the ones I actually cared about...still care about...

I have had enough pain and hurt in 2004 to last me a lifetime, and I am tired of it.

I will no longer be treated like crap. I deserve far better.

It's Monday. I have the day off.

I'm having one emotional shit of a day.

Maybe it's just PMS, but I don't think so.