Before heading into this past weekend and leaving for the retreat, I knew I was complicating my life by over-thinking and over-analyzing everything. During the retreat, I was reminded about many things and challenged to bring things back into proper perspective.

I need to go back to living a life out of a simple, child-like love for God. I need not to be discouraged to follow the path of obedience, even though obedience is difficult. I don't know all the answers yet, but I do know what steps I need to take. I just need to do it. My view of God has become too small. I need to change it.

It was nice to have Dave Gibbons share with us. He seemed to really connect with people at Metro. (Can you believe I've known Dave for at least 15 years? That's half of my life!!!) Yet, I think in many ways, the greatest benefit to the retreat was being able to connect with people on a deeper level. Although Dave's messages may have placed many of us back on the right track, it's really the community that will keep us accountable and keep this retreat from being a momentary spiritual high.

At Metro we talk a lot about "doing life together". I think we're just beginning to realize what that really means.

Today is my dearest friend Hannah's birthday, her big 3-0. She's finally caught up to the rest of us...

I wish I could be in California to celebrate this special day with her, but I thought I would celebrate her birthday by celebrating who she is.

Almost everyone knows I didn't like Hannah in the beginning. I mistook her shyness for arrogance. And it didn't help that a friend of mine was interested in her. I found it totally annoying. And then when they did start dating, I found the dynamics of their relationship to be quite bizarre. I concluded Hannah was not someone I wanted to know at all.

But for some reason, Hannah wanted me to be her friend. She really liked me. So she followed me around (literally). And then I began to see who the real Hannah was, very different from what I had perceived. She won me over. It's one of her life's greatest accomplishments. (heehee)

Hannah is sweet, caring, fiercely loyal, and passionate. She has odd taste in movies (i.e. bad action flicks). Her heroes are Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. She can eat more meat then most men. She's funny in her own unique way. She is addicted to Cappuccino Blasts. Hannah is an artist and a poet. Hannah has a hard time saying "no". She's extremely intelligent but sometimes clueless. Hannah's a total softie, but she can shoot a gun. She gave me keys to her apartment when I worked across the street; her apartment was my refuge. She knows how to listen. Hannah's favorite store is Marshall's. She loves to dance (like me!). We can talk about anything and everything. Her presence makes me smile. There is something very sweet and pure about the way she loves God and others. She means more to people than she knows.

I could go on, but I must resume my work. Have a fabulous 30th birthday, Hannah! I love you! And I miss you terribly.

Hannah cooling off (party hat already included)

Hannah and her soon-to-be-husband Emmanuel 

hanging out at the beach 

Me, funky sistah Hannah, Jo

Happy Birthday, Tre! =) 

You know I love food in LA, but...

After being in NJ for 10 months (10 months!!), I must admit NJ/NY clearly beats So. Cal. in two areas, food-wise: Cuban food (El Siglo, baby!) and (as Nick reminded me) those dumplings with the soupy stuff you slurp out of the middle. Yum!

There's one other thing about food in NJ. You can eat at White Castle after watching Harold and Kumar. You may feel ill afterwards, but still. You can't do that in LA.

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else." Emily Dickinson

Psychotherapist Peter (a.k.a. Professor Pete) shared this quote with me the other day. I like it...

Peter asked how I feel now that it's been almost a year since I left CA and arrived in NJ. It took me a while to think of an answer, and I'm not even sure if the answer I gave him was nearly complete. I think I said something about how personally things were difficult but that I have been able to witness how God has been doing some great things...

A few weeks ago, Simon asked if he were to tell me that this was the best time of my life, if I would believe it. For some strange reason, I answered "yes". I guess I realized that the "best" time doesn't necessarily mean everything is honky-dory and life is served on a silver platter. There has to be more depth, I think, for a time in life to be one's "best".

Lately I've been thinking a lot about fully embracing life...every aspect of life...the good, the bad, the easy, and the difficult...instead of being resistant, which I have been at times. I want to fully embrace the uncertainties that lie ahead. I want to fully embrace every emotion, the highs and the lows, instead of the emotions engulfing me. And, yes, to fully embrace all that I can of God.

The best time is now...the present moment. To live is startling...full of surprises, the unexpected...the adventure of being. I want to embrace this startling life and really learn to live.

Whew! My taxes are finally done!

I had filed for an extension in April...the first time I have ever done so. And the extension ended today! *scrambles like a madwoman*

I was missing a form, but it won't change my tax return too much. At least it's done! Whew!

WOOOOO!!!!! These drugs...

I react so strangely to medication sometimes...actually, most of the time...

I noticed that the drugs don't agree with my stomach all that much right after I take them, especially the Allegra-D. So then I don't have much of an appetite.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with a dry mouth. In the afternoon, it turned into drowsiness, a little dizziness, lightheadedness, disorientation, etc. which stayed with me basically the rest of the day, including small group. I felt horrible.

Today?? Well, this morning, I've been feeling kinda LOOPY! heehee. Woooooooo!!!!

=D Wooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! =D

The disadvantage of going to the doctor's office at the end of the day is that your height and weight are skewed, normally not in your favor.

And so it goes that when the nurse measured my height, she measured me at a towering 59 1/2 inches. A precious quarter inch disappeared during the day. Either that, or I'm shrinking.

I've read somewhere that the ideal weight for a person who is 5 feet tall is 100 pounds. I exceed that ideal weight by...let's just say a few pounds...and I'm not even 5 feet tall. I'm probably basically the same weight I was in eighth grade (maybe a pound or two more), yet I'm above the ideal weight. Weird, huh?

Oh, and the doctor reminded me I need to visit the gynecologist. Blech!

I just want to be well again. Is that so much to ask?

Last week and over the weekend, I was quite frankly too sick to do anything about being sick. But when Monday came around, I was ready to make some calls and see a doctor.

First, I had to find out about my insurance since I have not yet recieved my insurance cards. I was told my insurance coverage took effect on July 1 and all I had to do was have the doctor call a toll-free number to verify my coverage.

Next, I had to find a doctor. I found a doctor less than a half a mile from my apartment. I made appointment for today at 12:45 p.m.

Then, I went to the appointment, filled out the paperwork, and explained to the receptionist that my ID cards had not yet arrived. I gave her the 800 number. She called.

They put her on hold. She told me if no one answered her call in five minutes, she would hang up. She hung up. I had to leave the doctor's office without seeing the doctor.

=(

Well, it turns out that I most likely had/have a sinus infection. That would explain the dizziness, the massive headache, body ache, fever, chills, etc.

In a way I'm relieved. I was worried that I was emotionally unstable and therefore unable to sleep which I thought was the cause of the dizziness and headache. As far as body ache? I just thought I worked out too hard at the gym! The fever and chills? I just thought that might be another reaction to my lack of sleep and emotional instability. Oh, and did I mention swollen lymph nodes? I thought I slept funny on my pillow (which I did) so that my neck was hurting and swollen. Boy, I'm awful at self-diagnosis.

I finally took some cold and flu medicine on Friday evening and finally got some sleep. Now that I slept ALL weekend (minus the half day of silence and solitude up in Bear Mountain), I'm feeling MUCH better now. =D

I'm just extremely bored. =

i'm at home.

This lack of sleep is turning me into a real b@#$%. I've become snappy and impatient.

I just wanted to take a nap after work today. How hard can that be?

I crawled into bed at 5:45. I understand it can take a good 15 minutes or so for my body to relax and fall asleep. The ice cream truck came by. I put in my earplugs. No sweat.

A few minutes later, my home phone rings. It's some woman trying to get into an apartment building somewhere probably a mile from here. (I've been getting these calls, and I have not yet been able to stop them...which is really annoying in the early a.m. on Saturdays.)

Maybe 15 minutes later, my cell phone rings. It's Shirley wanting to know if I was free tonight.

Another 15 minutes later, my home phone rings. It's Anthony wanting to know if I was gonna join the group at the local carnival.

Another 15 minutes later (these time intervals are approximate), a solicitor is calling for someone named Maria.

Another 15 minutes, and it's AOL wanting me to try out their latest version of dial-up.

And 5 minutes later, it's a recording telling me not to hang up, and I didn't bother staying on the phone to figure out why.

What the hell?????

I'm online now so NO ONE CAN CALL ME AT HOME. But it's not just all the outer noise, it's all the noise in my head. Stop the madness, please!

Oh, dear...

I'm not feeling so great. Didn't sleep well. Kept waking up for some reason. Woke up dizzy. I probably shouldn't be drinking coffee if I'm dizzy...but I'm weak and dependent. And I was just placing an order on the phone...and I'm perspiring. What the??

My dad still enjoys fishing. =) 

My brother and mom meet up in Russia.

For about a month now, I've been having especially vivid dreams. I say this because I wake up most mornings and can recall at least a portion of my dream...like the one where I was pulling snot out of my nose...it was coming out in one, long, globby string. And then I realized that I might be pulling out something I shouldn't. So I snipped it. The rest of the globby string went back in my nose. And then I couldn't hear properly. Everything sounded muffled.

I think I've probably dreamed about everyone I know. You have probably been in one of my dreams. Even David Gibbons was in my dream a couple of nights ago. I guess I'm anticipating his visit to Metro's retreat.

Anyway, I remember portions of last night's dream. For one part, my friend Rej (I think...or was it my sister??) and I were looking for Edy's Grand Ice Cream at a Super Kmart. I have no idea why I would dream about that. And then I remember going out with some dude (not anyone I know in real life). I think it might have been a set-up? Anyway, I remember he was really sweet...but he was an awful kisser.

hahahaha...dreams...

Every morning this week I've been waking up feeling slightly light-headed. Maybe it has to do with the heat? Maybe I'm dehydrated? I drank a full glass of water when I woke up this morning.

And I've also been craving breakfast sandwiches...bagel breakfast sandwiches...with egg and cheese....and I have no idea why. And because I'm always rushing to work, I never have time to get one. I was so tempted to leave my office this morning and walk down to the local bagel shop, but I didn't.

And even though I don't want to think about seminary, that's all I've been thinking about. I've been visiting seminary websites to read up on what degrees they offer...trying to figure out what kind of seminary I want to go to...reading what courses they offer...

And I wanna get my hair cut. I need to get my hair cut.

One other thing about family...my siblings and I have, for some reason, basically kept our given Korean names instead of taking on American ones. I go by "Joo", my sister goes by "Mee", and my brother goes by "Dae". I remember Nathan would like to comment on our names, and apparently he still does.

All your names sound like pronouns using a Brooklyn accent...
Joo - You... as in "whatsamatta wich Joo!"
Dae - They... as in "Dae's ain't gots da marbles to shoot joo."
Mee - well... Me... as in after someone gets shot... "Dae's got Mee, what about Joo?"

=D

My family...

Last night I talked to my sister on the phone. I could hear my niece Anabel talking and playing in the background.

About eight days ago, I talked to my brother and my parents over the phone. My brother had gone to Russia with a group from his church in Austin and another group from a church in California to teach at an English camp. It was a relatively nice mission trip experience considering the fact that they stayed in dorm rooms remodeled by my dad and ate food that my mom prepared. I'm envious that my brother was able to see my parents in their not-so-new home and ministry setting.

The next time I expect to see them is when we gather at my sister's place in Arizona for Christmas. And then maybe we'll meet up in Russia for Christmas 2005...

Over the weekend, I remember sitting across from Pastor Peter. He’s telling me about some of the near-future plans he sees for Metro. And then he tells me I should really consider going to seminary soon.

I didn’t respond but instead more or less brushed it off. His comment to me about seminary entered my ears, clanked around in my brain, and fell back into a dark hole where I had stuffed away any thoughts about theological education.

I don’t know what it is…or maybe I do…but I haven’t been thinking about seminary at all lately. Maybe it’s reluctance, but I came to a point where I didn’t find it necessary to think about it anymore.

This morning I opened a letter from the pastor who recently left and moved back to Las Vegas. It was a performance evaluation. He concluded the evaluation by saying, “I encourage you to deeply consider your thoughts about seminary and professional ministry. I believe you have all the gifts to be a wonderful pastor.”

ARGH! I so do NOT want to think about this…

Well, the apartment thing with Amy and Young Sil is not going to happen after all. =(

I'll still be all by my lonesome.