For those of you who want to read a nice, pleasant blog entry, please skip down to the entry below. For those of you who don't mind some blunt honesty, then feel free to continue with this one. It's your choice.

It sometimes annoys me that I'm so aware of my emotional state...

Let's see...so far I've been through the sad stage, the "did this really happen?" stage, the denial and the resistance-to-accept-things stage, the disappointed stage, and then a sad-for-another-reason stage...the stages may have cycled or meshed together. And often there are stages where I feel completely fine. On Monday night, I felt myself slipping into the angry stage of dealing with things. I needed to let myself be angry...not at any person, but at the fucking situation. I certainly don't want people affected by my emotional shit, especially any person involved it. It's my shit to deal with. I know I'll be okay.

What am I feeling now? Tired. Just plain tired. I'm tired of my emotions. I just want to sleep. I want it to end. Put this behind me. Move on.

Don't worry...I'll be okay.

Yesterday was Susan's birthday. It was an extra special birthday since she turned 29 on the 29th...and because she's an extra special person, too. =)

I had set aside a red and a white wine from my "nice" stash and asked Lauren to bring them to the restaurant. I met Lauren, Erik, and the birthday girl at Houston's right after work. We started with the peel-and-eat shrimp and the artichoke dip accompanied with the Fleur Blanc. Unfortunately, the wine was not fully chilled. Oh, well. It still went well with the food, particularly the dip.

Susan ordered her favorite from the Houston's menu, the seared tuna. Lauren ordered the fish of the day, a wild salmon. Erik went for the filet mignon, and I decided on the prime rib. (Medium, please!) The red wine was...okay. It wasn't bad, but I had expected a little more from it. No biggie. It was still a fantastic meal with fantastic company. =D

Susan shared about her day of reflection and about what she was hoping for the upcoming year. It was nice to be able to hear from her...I felt privileged that I could be part of her birthday evening.

But the evening was not over! Susan and I made our way to USC to listen to an intensely charged and impassioned Brahm's quintet in F, opus 34. Thanks for inviting us, Nick! It's always great to watch and hear you play. It was a very nice end to a very nice evening.

I wish the best for you, Susan! You're right...the next year will probably bring both joy and pain, happiness and struggle, but God is good...He will only give you what is best. (Hopefully, we'll be able to see it when it's given and take it with joy!)

What do you do when you feel troubled or emotionally strained? Some people eat and sleep their troubles away. I'm quite the opposite. When I'm faced with emotional difficulties, I lose interest in food (and wine) and my sleep is easily disturbed. Oh, and I also become even more indecisive than before (as if that were possible!)...because I tend to care less about what I'm eating or doing, etc.

My coping mechanisms, I realize, center mostly around a need to communicate...to find commiseration in God and in others. Sometimes I seek solitude...to pray...to journal (sometimes blogging just doesn't suffice). And other times I seek community. I don't know what I would do without friends.

Music is also a tremendous source of healing, so I listen mostly to classical but also, believe it or not, some Christian music. (Not normally my music of choice for some reason. I'm normally not that holy.) These days I've been wishing I could play an instrument. If I were a musician, I think I would lock myself in a room and play for hours...

I can tell I'm feeling better. I'm still listening to "holy" music, but I'm ready to enjoy my food. I'm hungry!!

This morning as I was leaning in to get my student's attention, he sneezed all over my face. The sudden spray of wetness left me startled.

What a way to start the week!

On Wednesday after work, I drove to Monterey Hills to pick up a friend visiting from out of town. From there we were headed to LACMA for a reception and a special viewing of Ansel Adams at 100 and Sargent in Italy. It had been a while since Julie and I connected, so it was nice to catch up...about work...the dating scene...life in general...and about whether or not she will ever move out of Maryland. =)

Knowing that she would appreciate some culture, the timing of her visit and of the special reception was perfect. We were reminded of the time when we attempted to see the Van Gogh exhibit in D.C. a few years back. The line wrapped around the building and down the block. Absolute insanity. Obviously, we never made it inside to enjoy the exhibition.

The first thing on my mind was food, so we maneuvered our way to the refreshments and then sat bundled in our jackets listening to the live band in the courtyard. Hannah and Emmanuel eventually joined us, and we then proceeded inside. It was nice to see the Sargent exhibit again, and it was also nice to finally view Ansel Adams. We even managed to squeeze in the Genghis Khan exhibit at the tail end of the night.

Julie attempted to take one picture with her ancient camera but to no avail. Just the sheer size of the camera let you know that it was made in a decade long past. =)

The next evening, Julie came over for crepes. Susan had promised Julie an evening of crepes for dinner and dessert. Susan's crepes have become famous! =) After stuffing ourselves with seafood crepes and fruit-and-Nutella crepes, we watched Friends (a Thursday habit at our home) and looked through pictures Julie had taken (with someone else's camera) from her recent trip to Paris. Oh, the envy! I must go to Paris! I must!

On another note, I'm glad this week is over. I'm pooped! As nice as it was to feel some satisfaction in my work this week, I came home dead exhausted everyday. Luckily my schedule looks less horrific next week. I'm enjoying a quiet evening at home by myself right now and except to spend at least a portion of my day tomorrow in solitude and rest. I know I need it.

Right now I'm wearing a pair of capri pants...except they're not the length of capri pants on me. They're the length of what a normal pair of pants should be. =)

This morning, one of my students was having problems staying focused and seemed a bit sad, but whenever I questioned her, she simply said she was just feeling tired. Finally at one point I stopped, put my hand on her arm, looked her in the eyes and asked her again what was wrong. I told her she seemed sad. At that point she began to share that her daddy's been busy with work. He had promised to tuck her in last night, but he came home too late. Her eyes welled up with tears, and I found myself blinking away tears of my own.

I assured her that her daddy still loved her...and that they would be able to spend more time together when he was less busy. She began to share about what special things she and her dad would do together. After about a minute of more sharing, she said, "I guess that's why I'm sad." It was as if she wasn't even really aware of it until someone had asked. And then she smiled because she said talking about it made her feel better.

We finished the hour more easily after that point. As she left the room, I gave her a hug and told her to hang in there.

Oftentimes the most important thing is not about the work that needs to be done, but about the heart that needs to be heard.

"So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that this pleasure is from the hand of God." Ecclesiastes 2:24

Normally, I never have problems with enjoying food and drink (of any kind). And I definitely consider it a pleasure from God. Lately, I have also been finding satisfaction in my work...which I guess I have not always had.

Since I'm taking these LAUSD groups, I haven't been working with Nick, a student I've been working with consistently for several weeks. Today I found out that he's been asking his other teachers why he's not working with me. When they asked if he would like to work with other teachers, he said no. =) I've put a lot of effort into working with him, so that made me feel pretty good. He's a sixteen-year old who came to us without knowing his alphabet. Now's he's reading at the first grade level, but he still gets discouraged pretty easily. To combat his low self-confidence, my whole hour with him is full of affirmation. To the observer it might seem a bit excessive, but I know it's what he needs. And I push him when I need to; I won't let him give up.

And I think David is starting to warm up in the group. Today I gave him more of the challenging questions, and my affirmation with him was sincere but not silly and over-the-top. I could tell he felt good about himself. And he should. He's a smart kid.

Finding satisfaction in work is definitely a pleasure from God. I'm blessed to have it.

Today was actually a fun day at work. Crazy, huh?

Well, the morning dragged as usual. My first student was whining, and my next two students were spacing out on me. But after a three-hour break from 11-2 (my warped schedule this week since I have to stay at work until 6) which included lunch with Hannah, I was back at work and eagerly anticipating a chance for something different. Through an agreement with the LA Unified School District, we would be taking small groups of students to work with us after school until the end of the school year.

The focus for my first group is to strengthen their reading skills. They are to be a group of five, two girls and three boys, but one girl didn't show today. Poor Gabriela was on her own. She was the youngest in the group...the shy quiet one, but obviously willing to work. Adrian was an older high school student whose enthusiasm was infectious. He sat forward in his seat with a smile on his face. I immediately picked up on his weak areas of reading, but with his willingness to try, I'm not too concerned. Jovan is the "brain" in the group. Although he is one of the younger kids, he was eagerly involved...raising his hand, calling out responses. The fourth student, David, is the one who will take the most effort. The oldest in the group, he seems disinterested in the work. His attempts were half-hearted. My bubbly personality wasn't going to pull him out of his aloofness. Since today was the first day I asked a few questions to find out more about them, in part to make them feel more comfortable but in part to try to understand how I could best relate to them. I discovered David is a football player...probably one of the cool guys in school.

The goal for my second group is to work on their reading comprehension. This is a group of three, all boys. In a way, this group is more "fun" because it's more interactive as we develop pictures of the sentences I read to them. It took very little effort for me to work with the two younger boys. They were enjoying themselves, being silly at times, helping each other out. The third guy, Oscar, who I realized before class was friends with David, was the least responsive. But he is definitely not without hope. He would occasionally crack a smile at something the boys or I would say. When I questioned him directly, he had some difficulty with the work, but I don't think he's stupid. I have the feeling he just hasn't been pushed in his classes.

That was my first day working with groups. It's a bit different, a different challenge. But I have a good feeling about it, and I do feel like ALL the students will benefit.

So I guess work has been going well. Last week, my associate director and director both commended me for my work with one of the students. I might have made a fool of myself...acting silly, talking in funny voices, crawling on the floor...all in an effort to help the little six-year old stay interested in doing the work. Oh, the things I must do to get through. =)

I’d like to think that one of my best qualities is my ability to believe in people, to believe the best in them. Perhaps some would consider it a flaw, that it would somehow make me a target for pain and disappointment. I’m not naïve; I’ve seen how people can hurt one another. But I choose to believe the best in people anyway.

The God I know does the same. He always thinks the best of us. Even when we’ve hurt Him or disappointed Him, He still sees us as His beloved. There is absolutely nothing we can do that will remove His favor from us.

I hope you understand that, my friend, and that you know I will always believe the best in you, no matter what.

TGIF! Okay, well, the week wasn't tooooooo bad. My most difficult student this week was an adorable six-year old boy. So cute! But he also has a terribly short attention span, and has some obvious difficulties in processing and retaining information. For this entire week, we focused on learning the names and sounds of six consonants and three vowels. And by the end of the week, he still didn't have them down.

According to next week's schedule, I'll be working with him again. And they also put another six-year old (or is it seven?) in my schedule. Playing with such young kids is fun, but working with them is definitely a challenge and a stretch!

Ever since Sunday, I've been paranoid about forgetting to take my perscribed medication at the designated time. To ensure the effectiveness of this drug, I'm required to adhere to a strictly scheduled intake. The morning dose is easy enough to remember; it's the evening dose I'm most concerned about forgetting. I usually end up doing a sort of countdown...one hour before meds, half an hour before meds, a few more minutes, take it NOW!!! It's a good thing I'm only on this medication for a week.

But the really paranoia came two weeks ago after my visit to the doctor. (I won't go into specifics.) I had a bit of a concern prior to the visit, but after I came home and started browsing online, I made a horrifying self-diagnosis. I was nearly convinced I had a dreaded and possibly deadly condition. I expressed the concern to some friends who assured me I was okay, but I wasn't so easily swayed from my own conclusion. I left a message with the doctor the next day about some information I thought might affect his diagnosis. (Okay, so maybe I am paranoid, but unless you are aware of the full story, don't judge!)

The doctor was not ready to jump to any conclusions. He didn't have all the tests back. But he did have enough information to perscribe a powerhouse antibiotic for an apparent infection I was carrying. (Nasty!) He stated that the infection may be the source of whatever is going on. If all of "this" will go away from popping a few pills in for a week, I will be more than happy to do it.

Shortly after work today, my phone rang; I missed the call. A nurse from my doctor's office left a message asking me to call back during their office hours tomorrow. The paranoia resurfaced. I mean, I had assumed I would need to go into the doctor's office again, but I couldn't help wondering what new information they might have obtained from the test results. And the thought of having to go in again and (more than likely) be examined and probed...blech!

Ah, well. I'll give the office a call tomorrow. =\

Since my birthday fell on a Tuesday this year, I requested the company of a few of my friends for a road trip to the Santa Ynez Valley this past Saturday. It was to be part of an ongoing birthday celebration.

It turned out to be a "diva day" as Hannah would call it. Four ladies (Susan, Hannah, Lauren, and me) and Susan's Rav 4. After stuffing ourselves with homemade crepes courtesy of Susan, we lazily took our time heading north. By lunchtime, we were hungry again, so we found ourselves in Santa Barbara at the Cajun Kitchen. (Thanks to Nick who assisted us with directions. We were served by the same waitress who served us...was it two years ago??)

The day was lovely...picture-perfect. The wide windows of the Rav 4 offered a grand view of the Pacific and of the scenic mountainous drive up the 154. Living in overly crowded So. Cal, sights such as these were a delight for our eyes. We were amazed by the wide-open space, the expansive green mountains and hills, and the brilliant blue of Cachuma Lake. After discovering Cachuma, I want to go back! I want to go camping in a yurt!! =D

We eventually made it to Rideau Vineyard, a quaint and relatively young winery with a cozy antique feel and a New Orleans influence. And since I'm a member, we got to taste for free. Oh, the perks! Only two of the wines were new to me, but I was actually more eager to purchase the Chardonnay I had bought last time. Unfortunately, they had sold out. But Kate assured me the upcoming Chardonnay's and Syrah's were exceptional. I still have a bottle of their Mourverde (which is divine) at home, so I opted not to buy any wine this time. I'm not really sure how much the other ladies enjoyed the wine, but I know for certain that we all enjoyed the homemade spreads served with bread. Hannah walked out with a red-feather eye mask, and we each adorned ourselves with flashy New Orleans beaded necklaces.

By then, we only had time to visit one more winery (how tragic!). I had to decide, so I picked Bridlewood. With all its award-winning wine, I figured it was a safe bet. The Mission-style winery was much larger with a beautiful landscape. But no yummy spreads here. Just plain crackers. The wines were okay, but I wasn't compelled enough to purchase any. Susan asked to try their Muscat not on the tasting list, and she ended up purchasing a bottle of the nicely-made dessert wine.

But the best part...and Lauren has already confessed to it in her blog...was seeing Lauren, bright red from the effects of the wine, walk out of the winery towards the parking lot...and then fall, in slow motion, to her knees. She gets up, brushes herself off, and then walks away. "Uh. Where are you going, Lauren? The car is over there." She turns around and joins us as we make our way to the car.

We ended up back in Santa Barbara for dinner. We called Nick for a suggestion, and then it was off to Papagallo's, a Peruvian restaurant just off the main street. The menu was intriguing, and I ordered a uniquely flavored seafood dish (with tumeric, wine, mint and cilantro). It was yum! (Yes, lots of eating for my birthday.)

Another highlight was definitely the ride back home. We were pretty tuckered out, but when Susan put in the soundtrack for the Sound of Music, there was no holding back. (At least not for me!) We sang through the entire thing with some added dialogue and dramatic hand gestures courtesy of me. (And, yes, I am confessing to this!) A perfect ending to a perfect day.

Thanks, Hannah, Susan and Lauren! I couldn't have asked for better people to share in the joy! =D

"It will be interesting to see how all the pieces of the puzzle fit together."

Judy had nailed it. For a while I have been wondering how my seemingly scattered life journey would lead to one whole connected part. She had made that remark after finding out a little bit about my past occupations (also knowing about my involvement with the future church plant). I asked her how she got to where she is now. She had started out doing something biochemical-related (? something like that) and had done some work in a hospital. Then she went back to school and taught science and math for 12 years. In the meantime, she was involved in children's education at her church. Then she went to seminary expecting to study Christian education. That's when she said she received her true calling. She instead got her MDiv and became a pastor. Her first assignment was as a chaplain at a local hospital, so her previous experience paid off. Then I'm not sure what came next, but now she's the associate director of the NE region for our denomination.

I know in reality, the complete picture of your life purpose may come very slowly and may come much later in life. But of course, I still want my life to make total and complete sense right now. Even with my impending move to the East Coast...I'm filled with many questions of how it all fits into my life. Where is it all going anyway? If I had a better understanding of where things were going, maybe I would have an easier time with the details (or maybe not since I'm terrible with details)...like what is my exact role out there? I'm not so sure. I'm not even certain if I really belong in full-time church ministry. Maybe lay ministry is where I belong. I used to think that I had a pretty good picture of who I was to become, but I'm finding myself on the verge of reaching another decade without a clue.

Maybe I don't have to know. Maybe part of the journey is just going for the ride.

Let's see...I haven't written about my trip to Michigan.

Arrived at 5:40 a.m. on Friday. Picked up breakfast. Checked in at the hotel. Crashed for a couple hours. Went to the training session. Ate cold pizza. Met other church planting teams from our denomination.

And I met the woman (Judy) who will be coaching us in our church plant. During the conference, I got to know her a little bit. Pretty early on I got the sense that she is one of those people very open to "God moments." It was proven on Sunday when we went to visit a church's grand opening service. While we were there, we were all expecting to sit back and observe. Judy was standing in the back when she had met a couple and simply asked what brought them to the church. This couple had visited several other churches. They said this was their last attempt to find a church that would truly accept them. She discovered that he was an ex-con who couldn't get work. They had no money. They would soon have no place to stay. He didn't want to go back to being a bank robber, but life seemed to offer no other option. They were desperate. Judy sat with them during service, ministered to them (by listening) after service, and connected them with key people in the church who could assist them. That to me is a God-moment. What if Judy had not been open to it?

On Saturday night, Peter, Evan and Shirley took me out to a local seafood restaurant for an early birthday dinner. Michigan is obviously not known for their seafood, but the atmosphere was nice. =) On Sunday, Helen and Kenny came up to see me which was a wonderful treat. Unfortunately, I had eaten an early dinner (buffalo steak!) and wasn't very hungry. Helen and Kenny had wanted to take me out for my birthday, so I ordered something small...yummy lamb chops. I think I came back from Michigan ten pounds heavier. Oh, and it SNOWED in Michigan! Woo-hoo! It was a light dusting, but I was SO happy to see snow again. And I missed out on the 90+ degree weather in California. Yay!

I came back from the conference stuffed and sleepy and a bit more informed about the nitty-gritty of church planting. The next morning I turned 29! The eating continues. Another birthday dinner tonight!! =D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!! =D

Sometime last night, after I had gone to sleep, I awoke to some (quiet) noises out in the living room. I figured it was Susan. She wasn't home when I arrived from Michigan, and I had gone to sleep before she came home. I didn't get up right away, but after awhile I figured I might as well peek my head out and say hello.

I opened the door and right in front of my face were streamers hanging from my doorpost. Susan had been working quietly as possible to tape streamers and a Happy Birthday message on my door. =) Susan had also been baking cupcakes for me to take to work. How sweet! Too bad I'm too much of a light sleeper.

Since I had to use the front door at work (we haven't been able to use the side door since the theft), I was concerned that my students might see the cupcakes. Susan had only given me enough for my co-workers. One student had just returned after a few months, so I greeted her with a hug. Her eyes gazed at the cupcakes which had the letter J imprinted on each of them. Her first name is Julie. I hope she didn't think they were for her! Another student remarked to me during session, "You sure do eat a lot for lunch! I saw that big thing that you brought." =) But she was sweet. When I told her it was my birthday, she gave me a hug and took off a plastic ring she was wearing to give me as a gift. As difficult as it has been working with her, I was certainly touched by her thoughtfulness.

When my co-workers found out I had brought the cupcakes, they thought, "Gee. Bringing cupcakes with J on them?" I had to tell them that my ROOMMATE had made them for me. "Oh! I was wondering..." was their reply. =)

Gotta run. More to write later!