I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day.
What hours, O what black hoürs we have spent
This night! what sights you, heart, saw; ways you went!
And more must, in yet longer light's delay.
With witness I speak this. But where I say
Hours I mean years, mean life. And my lament
Is cries countless, cries like dead letters sent
To dearest him that lives alas! away.

I am gall, I am heartburn. God's most deep decree
Bitter would have me taste: my taste was me;
Bones built in me, flesh filled, blood brimmed the curse.
Selfyeast of spirit a dull dough sours. I see
The lost are like this, and their scourge to be
As I am mine, their sweating selves; but worse.

--Gerard Manley Hopkins, poet-priest

The poetry and prose of Hopkins, and indeed his life, resonate with me. Hopkins was considered an eccentric and a somewhat obscure individual...certainly not a terrible description in my opinion. He was a lover of language, nature, music, art, and people, but most importantly, his religion and faith in God. His deep underlying faith kept him grounded in spite of struggles he had with his own self...his physical weakness or his spiritual decrepitude...and in spite of his awareness of the spiritual desolation in the world around him. In the end, he died a happy man...for his thoughts were on heaven and on the hope of ressurection. And is that not how you would want to end your days here on earth? I would much rather live my life mixed with struggle and hope than to live mindlessly with ease and senseless folly.

My mom sent me a fax today. Ever since I was in college, she would occassionally send me a note scribbled in Korean along with a care package or whatever money she felt I needed without my asking. It has been a while since I've received anything from her in her handwriting. If you don't know or don't recall, my parents have been living in Russia since last year, so it really meant something to me to receive her fax today. Yes, she writes in Korean, and usually my understanding of Korean is sufficient for these simple letters. Here is my approximate translation...not literal, but with equivalent English phrases...except for when she says "Joo-Young-ah" because I can't replace that with anything in English.

Joo-Young-ah,
How are you doing? I miss you.
It must be difficult working by yourself. Do you really want to go to New York?
Keep praying and think hard about which road God wants you to take.
Your sister called the other day. (At five o'clock in the morning)
It looks like I will be a grandmother by December.
(I'm not translating two lines here...one is confidential and the other line didn't go through clearly.)
Dad and I are busy and living happily every day.
Beginning on July 1, there will be an English camp here for a month.
Two teachers from a church in LA will be here.
A church from Chicago will be here as well.
(Something about September 7...and she mentions her mother and father's 70th anniversary)
Joo-Young-ah, is there no one you are interested in?
If there is, please let me know quickly.
Take care and let's be in touch again soon.
Always give thanks and be joyful in the Lord.
Good-bye.
May 29, 2002
Mom

P.S. Even though I wanted to talk to you over the phone, the time difference makes it difficult so I sent this Fax instead.

It may seem to be a very simple letter, but these things mean a lot to me, even as a grown adult. I wish I had the means to visit my parents this summer. I told my father I would try, but the price of airline tickets is still rather daunting. I also wish I could fly to Florida and be with my sister for a while. I guess I feel like I should be there to help take care of her and the baby she is carrying. And my brother? Well, he is doing okay by himself, but I am trying to convince him to visit me when he can. It would be nice to visit him in Austin, too.

We have always been somewhat of an independent family, I guess. My parents have always allowed us to follow our own ambitions, and we have released them to do the same. But there is certainly a price to pay for it. I miss each of them very, very much.

The details about our Yosemite trip and our climb up Half Dome will have to wait. The trip ended in a way I wish it hadn’t, and that is much more on my mind than anything else. There is ugliness in all of us, I guess, but I certainly don’t like to see it in myself. Maybe it’s because I don’t like to think that I am capable of hurting someone, especially someone I really care about.

I snapped at a dear friend of mine yesterday morning during our ride home. I regret it now, of course, and I know I was wrong. I will not give any excuses. The circumstances were certainly not favorable…I had had very little sleep all weekend long, and our grueling 18 mile hike the day before had left me completely exhausted…we were on our way home, and I found myself frustrated since I found it difficult to rest…and certain things which had slowly been building up all weekend suddenly made me snap. My friend was the unlucky recipient, and being who she is, it affected her deeply. She wouldn’t accept my apology shortly after the incident. She wanted to be away from me for a while, so I gave her some space. It’s been over 24 hours, and she still has not spoken to me.

My friend and I express anger differently, I guess. I usually explode, and then it’s over. She tends to shut down and internalize things, but then it lasts for a longer period of time. I must admit, I find that even scarier.

I will freely admit that I’m wrong, and in hindsight I know I could have done some things to maybe prevent it from getting to the point that it did. My roommate Susan pointed some things out to me, and I know she’s right. She told me I should learn to stop over-accommodating (a twisted form of being accommodating) and to express myself or say “no” before things get out of control…especially when I know I am more susceptible to becoming upset (like when I’m tired or hungry). She told me to be selfish sometimes, because in the end, it’s better for everybody. I totally agree! But that’s the hard part for me…to be able to know how to handle things before it builds up and explodes. It’s certainly something I need to learn.

I’m still waiting to hear from her.

I ascend effortlessly to the base of Half Dome, and I climb the ever-feared edifice of stone. I am triumphant! I have conquered Half Dome!

That's my wish anyway...we'll see if I make it. We're leaving tonight, and Sunday is the big day. Woo-hoo! Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone!! I hope I come back in one piece to tell you of my Yosemite adventures. =P

So I've decided to go ahead with this opportunity and continue to walk through the doors as long as they remain open. That's my way of saying "yes" to this opportunity without feeling trapped in it. Haha! =)

Oh, it's exciting...most definitely. But as I talk with people about my decision, I'm also becoming more and more sad. I hate to think of all the wonderful people I'll be leaving behind here in CA. Sadness! True sadness! =(

At least I have a year to prepare myself for saying good-bye. =\

Today I was somewhat surprised to see the cover story of my college’s magazine: Does society value mothers? A Barnard forum discusses what a motherhood movement could do to help mothers gain respect and power.

I was surprised because in my four years at Barnard, there was no discussion on the value of motherhood (with the exception of five minutes in one of my sociology classes at Columbia). Interestingly, it was there at Barnard…at a women’s college in NYC…that I began to understand some of the flaws of feminist thinking. I realized many feminists were basically saying that in order to find value as “womyn”, we must prove that we can be like men. I saw that underneath much of the activism and strong opinions (and sometimes even hatred) were women searching for some kind of significance or self-worth.

And you know what else I realized? The woman you read about in Proverbs 31… the one that carries out all the traditional uxorial duties with dignity and honor…it turns out, she’s pretty dang cool.

There is this dilemma that pulls at my heart whenever I imagine the things I want to pursue throughout my life. On the one hand, I have always had this desire to help people. It shows in the different careers I've considered…from firefighter (second grade) to psychologist (maybe group therapy?) to environmentalist (I figured I would end up in a developing country somewhere) to some type of mission work. Oftentimes when I read or hear of the atrocities going on around the world, I wonder why I’m not doing anything to help alleviate the suffering. Why am I not in Africa doing relief or development work? Why am I not in Southeast Asia helping to free women and child sex slaves? Why am I not in Afghanistan helping to restore the war-torn nation? Why?

But then, on the other hand, there is this other desire. Oh, sure, it started off innocently enough. One day, I noticed that my young cousins, who were toddlers, were completely enthralled when I began singing Disney tunes. At that point, a thought crossed my mind: “Why not be a singing and dancing character in a children’s video? Sure! It would be a great way to entertain and educate children!” I treated it as a passing thought, but slowly, over the years, I couldn’t deny it…I love to perform! It wasn’t easy for me to admit. How self-absorbed it seemed! But why not be in a musical or theater production? Why not become a jazz lounge singer? Why not?

And then, of course, when I hear about the things that go on in this world, I go back to the other questions. Yet I’ve realized that just asking those WHY questions doesn’t get you anywhere.

The real question I have, of course, is WHAT. What should I do? Or more specifically, what should I do next? And as I consider my next options, I weigh these two seemingly opposite desires...to help others...or to express myself in performance. I know there is a possibility these two sides can merge, and maybe that's what I'm looking for...a balance...to find something that is true to who I am as a whole.

A friend of mine recently wrote an email to reason with me in regards to this new opportunity I am considering. She urged me to consider pursuing something more along the lines of what I have been doing. She also questioned the validity of this new venture. I must admit I did not initially react very positively to her email. For one thing, it’s hard for me not to have the enthusiastic support of my friends. I also later realized I was reacting against the idea of being some kind of automaton (which I have felt like for some time). Why should I be limited to one thing anyway? I am more complex than a machine.

But of course I took her comments into consideration. I know my friend did not mean any harm. She’s just being more “practical” and “reasonable”…Scary words!

Last night I couldn't fall asleep after meeting with some people earlier that evening. First it was excitement that kept me awake, then contemplation and prayer. We talked about this opportunity in the future...the God-sized endeavor I mentioned without specifics in an earlier blog. I wanted to hear more about the exact vision, and after hearing it, I became all the more eager to become involved. I would have said "yes" to this yesterday! But I kept myself from committing to anything right on the spot; I want to make sure it's not something I'm pursuing on my own. A God-sized endeavor requires it to be a God-led thing. I believe it is for someone, but is it a God-thing for me? My prayer is that if it is, then my burden and desire to see this happen must be greater than my natural excitement and enthusiasm. If you want more specifics, talk to me in person or ask me to email you about it. I'd love to fill you in, but my blogspot somehow doesn't seem to be the right place for it.

During our first year of college when I first met Suzi, I thought her face must glow from being so holy. No joke. That thought really did go through my head. I quickly found out that Suzi is also a complete cornball, a great friend, and an admirable activist. She stopped in LA yesterday en route to NYC from Australia. That's right...en route to NYC from Australia.

After a couple of years on Wall Street and a couple of years working non-profit in San Francisco, Suzi decided to go back to NYC and back to Columbia for Business School. For her last semester, she took the opportunity to study in Australia. Since it was cheaper to stop in Fiji on her way to Australia, she decided to do so…and stayed for a month! Her rationality was that it would be cheaper to stay for a month in Fiji than it would be to stay in NYC.

After a month in Fiji and a semester in Australia, she’s heading back to NYC to attend graduation. She’ll be donning the funky bluish-gray colored cap and gown once again. I remember our University-wide graduation. I remember Suzi being recognized for her community service. That same spirit of service and social and economic activism is still there.

So when she emailed me two months ago saying she accepted a job in Korea, I was in complete shock. Korea?! That’s the LAST place I would expect her to end up. But when she shared with me about how she came to accept the offer and of how she will be part of developing social change in Korea through her work, I had to agree. As strange as it may seem, it appears Korea is where she is supposed to be for the next two years.

But don't be fooled. This is not the end of her adventures. Before she heads off to Korea, she’ll be taking a trip this summer to Tanzania to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro. That’s right…Mt. Kilimanjaro! Tanzania! In Africa! And on her way to Korea, she’ll be stopping for a few days in London. London! Have I told you how envious I am??

Before leaving yesterday, Suzi tells me she is excited and jealous that I have all these possibilities before me.

“But, Suzi, you’re the world traveler!”

“But I’m going to be in Korea for two years!”

“And knowing you, you’ll take every opportunity to travel all throughout SE Asia!”

She laughs because she knows it’s true. Suzi…my corny college friend who travels the world and strives to change it for the better. Have I told you how lucky I am to have such great friends?? =)

By the way, this whole thing (the blog entry from today), came to my mind after recently reading Psalm 71. And if you're curious as to what possibilities I have entertained for the "in between"...well...I think I'll save that for the next blog.

I am an older woman with silver hair. My face is expressive, and there is a playful sparkle in my eyes. Gathered around me is an audience of varying age, from child to young adult. I share fascinating and almost unbelievable stories, each one with the same basic message: Yes, God is good. You can trust Him.

For a while now, this has been the only consistent image I have of myself in the future. I cannot tell you how I picture myself in my 30’s, 40’s, or 50’s because the picture always changes. I’m not even sure how I’m going to live out what remains of my 20’s. The only thing I am sure of is that I want to live in such a way where I can be that older woman I have pictured in my mind.

I guess that goal is what has gotten me here in the first place. I joined this organization after seeing and listening to older missionaries share their stories. Despite tremendous hardship and affliction, each one of them could attest to God’s goodness. Each one of them could say with joy and satisfaction that they had lived their life for something much greater than themselves and that the fruit of their labor would endure long after they had gone. Their stories were my inspiration.

And so I joined in the effort and was given the task to help share their stories and to encourage others to become involved. Yet each time I would write for a publication or speak to a youth group, there was a nagging realization that I had no complete story of my own. I was telling their stories, not mine. What story of mine I had to share seemed more like a work in progress, an unfulfilled destiny.

I am not expecting to find my perfect niche in life until I am old and gray. Unlike most people, I have always looked forward to each birthday…of drawing closer to that realization. But in order to reach that goal, there is a lot that must happen in between. As I have said, I do not know what lies in the “in between”, but for some reason I have always expected there to be difficulty and pain. Maybe it seems more glorious that way.

Whatever happens, I am grateful that even now I can proclaim the message: Yes, God is good. You can trust Him. And with anticipation I live each day, each year, and each decade believing that the message I declare now will only grow stronger in the future.

Oh, by the way, for those of you who care about this stuff...you probably know I'm an ENFP according to the MBTI. He's an ENF who borders on the P and J. (We knew this before we went out last night.) But last night we also found out, according to the four animal types (Lion, Otter, Beaver, Golden Retriever), that we're both Otter/Golden Retrievers...a strange mix since these two animals sometimes have opposite tendencies...

“Thanks for the fun company. I had a good time. It was fun,” Bachelor #1 says as he drops me off at the door.

“Oh, thank you! Thanks for coming up. I had a good time, too.”

That was basically how the evening ended. And, yes, I do admit that I had a good time. But really, it’s no surprise. I mean, I think I’m a pretty fun person and anyone who is very similar to me in personality is going to be fun, too. We enjoyed getting to know each other better. Conversation was nice. And we’re both easily amused.

But let me try to explain what else happens when you put our two similar personalities together.

“Oh, I’m sorry. You need to turn right here,” I say as we approach and almost pass an intersection. This happens with every turn we’re supposed to make.

After dinner when we were walking around Old Town, heading back to the car: “Oh, wait. Where are we going? Is this where the entrance is to the parking lot?” I ask. “Yeah, I think so.” We were wrong. We end up walking around the building.

“Next floor,” he says as we finally get inside the parking garage and up the stairs. “Where’s the car?” “Over there. Oh, wait. Is it up another floor?” he asks as he extends his arm out while clicking the button on the remote car key. “Oh, no. There it is,” he says as we walk DOWN to the next parking level.

Hey, I always get to where I need to go. It might take me longer because I tend to be a bit oblivious, but I do get there. I guess B#1 has the same kind of problem. At least we were able to laugh at ourselves.

This is a somewhat silly example, but very true nonetheless. Is it wise to try to make a couple out of two very similar people? In any case, he told me that a friend of his has recently told him for the second time that she’s interested in him. He decided he owed it to her as a friend to at least explore the possibility. And I think he should.

Hopefully, she’s better with directions. =)

"You put MY date with (Bachelor #1) in YOUR date planner?!" I asked for the third time in complete astonishment.

"Yeah!" was Hannah's third reply.

I was so amazed that anyone would be that interested in the current on-goings of my life. "It's like a soap opera!" was Hannah's explanation. I really didn't know how to respond to that.

"Hey, are you going to answer your phone?" Hannah asks.

"No. That would be rude. I'll turn it off."

Hannah seems disappointed by my response. I ask her why she wanted to know. She says she wanted to call me and ask me to rate, on a scale of 1-10, whatever she asks me over the phone...How does he look? How is the conversation going? Etc. There is no way I would agree to that! She seems even more disappointed. I assure her I will call her as soon as I get back from the evening. She makes me promise this, so I do.

I can already imagine her now...waiting anxiously by the phone...with a huge grin on her face...ready to receive the latest news on the on-goings of wumanjoo. And I imagine, too, that for some strange reason, you the blog reader also waits...with some amount of curiosity...hoping to read about another humorous exploit...waiting for the soap opera drama to unfold. =)