dude...

Wow, I can't believe it's been two months since I've written in here. Has FB really taken over my life?

I guess so.

clash, conflict, crap!

Well, I'm all moved in and continuing to settle into my new apartment. Living alone this time around feels so much better than it did the first time. At times I expect someone to walk through the door any minute, and I have to remind myself...no one will! After all that I've been through with my roommate situations, it's really, really nice.

The real content of this blog entry has to do with the new group of residents and how I seem to clash with one of my colleagues in particular. Today I became so angry at him. Someone said I used my stern "teacher" voice. Another colleague said she thought I was going to hit him. Hit him?? I wouldn't do that, but basically it tells you how pissed off I was at him.

I realize one of the big reasons why he irritates me so much is that I experience him as being fake. He's closed off during our group sessions because he seems to have issues with authority. I think he's afraid of being judged by authority figures and therefore can't be himself in the group. This morning when he gave his report, I felt he was talking very slowly and deliberately and even highlighted how he believe he exerted his pastoral authority in a way that felt weird. I feel like he's trying to prove something.

This afternoon before we headed over to the pastoral care advisory committee to introduce ourselves, he told us to "impress them." I told him it would be best for us to just be ourselves, that being ourselves would be impressive enough. He kept stating our need to impress them, and so I inquired what he meant. Maybe I pushed him a bit on it. He said he wanted them to see us favorably, not like the bad group that was here before. That's when I lost it. I was angry that he was passing judgment on the last group by calling them "bad." WTH?

I value authenticity and being your own self, not what someone tells you or expects you to be. I believe it comes out of my experience growing up as a Korean American. I rebelled against the notion that I had to be a certain way; I suppose I resented it. Perhaps that's why I react so strongly to someone who can't be themselves and has to put on a show. I realize there is probably a lot of fear behind his way of being, and I do want to be sympathetic. Right now though, I feel pissed off. UGH.

It's going to be a rough year...

in between

I know...I haven't been blogging. Maybe FaceBook is just taking over my life. Or maybe I really have nothing to write about. No, I do...

These days I've been feeling "in between."

I am in between two apartments. I had wanted to be moved into my new place by now, but the last resident is needing more time to move out. And then I have to wait for them to paint and clean the apartment. I may be here for another week, but I will need to okay it will my roommate first.

I am in between two groups. The new group of chaplain residents started on Monday. The old group finished on Thursday. I was working through my goodbyes with the old group and my hellos with the new group at the same time. I miss the old group. The new group? Well, there have been conflicts already, and one resident in particular really, really irks me. Surprisingly the one resident I knew from before (he graduated from Union with me) and I have become allies. I say surprisingly because I wasn't sure how I felt about having him in the group. He's an intelligent and talented guy, but I always thought he talked a lot about himself at Union. LOL. It turns out he's pretty cool, and we have a lot in common.

I am still in between churches. I need to figure out what to do. I find myself going back to Metro Hope in Harlem, but I really would like to find a new church community in Brooklyn.

Another "in between" at work is my floor assignment. I am no longer assigned to the oncology unit and the med/surg unit I've had since May. I am now assigned to adult psych, a different med/surg unit, and part of the ICU. I had requested psych and the ICU, and I am happy that my supervisor honored my request. Although I have the assignments I want, I still miss my old floor assignments, and I will need to get used to how things work on my new floors.

As far as my dating life...I would say I'm in between there too. I am not on the online dating site anymore. It was a waste of time. But, believe it or not, I have met people in real life that gives me hope that there may be decent single men left in this world.

Hopefully I will not be in between for too long. I would really like to be somewhere and not just in limbo.

moving poetry

I feel really privileged to know some really cool and amazing artists.

I just got a copy of DeLana's book How God Ends Us. If you like moving and powerful poetry, GET IT. Get it NOW!

Speaking of artists, this musician came to share some of his musical talents with us today at church during our special arts Sunday. He happens to be someone I met through Kirk. And Abdul knows him as well. Crazy...

Kirk's mom passed this morning. He was there overnight and heard her stop breathing.

Please pray for the family. I got a chance to visit at the hospital on Friday. While I was there I met his mom and also saw how attentive the kids were with their mother. It was very sweet. She raised them well.

Now they begin the journey of life without her, and life will never be the same.

Please pray for Kirk and his family. Chemo didn't work; surgery is not an option. The doctors are giving his mom less than two months to live. She is calm and brave, and I believe it's because she knows where she will be going. It's going to be harder for the family she is leaving behind. It certainly doesn't seem fair, particularly when there are many more years you would like to spend with your mom.

Several of my friends have lost their mothers to cancer. I am thinking of you today too.

moving on out

Tomorrow I move out of the apartment from hell. (That is, if the movers really do show up...) Goodbye roaches, goodbye mouse, goodbye filth, goodbye cigarette and pot smoke, goodbye random and unannounced overnight guests, goodbye loud upstairs neighbor (the music and the sex), goodbye heat-that-turns-on-for-no-reason, goodbye inconsiderate roommate and her drug-dealing boyfriend. I have had enough!

Yesterday I asked the roommate how long her daughter was going to be staying. Mind you, I was told she had a daughter. I was also told she would visit maybe every other weekend. "Oh. She stays with me all summer." Seriously? If I had decided to stick it out in the apartment until September, when would I have been told this? Isn't this something you should tell someone before they move in?? This would mean her daughter would probably stay in her tiny closet of a room and she (and her boyfriend) would be staying in the living room. As if I needed another reason to leave...

Goodbye, Harlem. I am sad to leave you with this bad taste in my mouth. I will try to remember all the good things about living in West Harlem.

Brooklyn, I look forward to calling you home. I am told this is where the cute boys are. I guess we shall see.